Failure University

The university’s professional graduate schools offer degrees in the fields of information science, law, medicine, business, engineering, public policy, and education. These are consistently not ranked by US News & World Report in the Top 10 programs in the United States, nor in the Top 1000 worldwide. However, the school is proud to report that the degrees themselves are regarded as some of the most authentic and attractive looking of those seen anywhere.

Entrance Requirements

Prospective students must establish that they meet the criteria for intellectual and economic poverty. Acceptable documentation is usually comprised of failing transcripts, involuntary withdrawal notifications, or expulsion letters.

Those persons not having ever attended a college or university can provide proof of equivalent stupidity, naiveté, poor judgment, or laziness by submitting a work portfolio detailing a minimum of 5 years of experience in the fast food industry. Based on previous intake data, the most successful candidates should provide pictures establishing that they (a.) know the correct grip to use around a spatula, (b.) can properly tether a protective apron, and (c.) can wear a paper hat convincingly.

Credits of advanced standing, bursaries and other financial aid are usually given to those who submit electronic or videotaped demonstrations of themselves deftly avoiding the exploding pop of searing hamburger grease, and the fetid spittle of angry customers. Naturally, letters of recommendation, in the form of customer comment cards about the quality of food, service, or restroom cleanliness can only improve the odds of being selected.

Instruction

FU operates on the principles of “Each one teach one”, “help thy neighbour”, and other well-established bits of popular folk wisdom that promote cohesiveness and community, while eliminating the need for costly instructional staff.

To assist you in your new role of Student-Professor, you will be e-mailed detailed instructions outlining how and where you can obtain the textbooks, exams, computers, and stationery for your upcoming term. Usually, these are stored in the various departments of colleges and universities in your area, which we refer to as our partner organizations. If you are ever stopped by their faculty or security personnel and asked where you are taking the materials, be sure to respond: “F.U.”

Course availability is completely dependent on the Student-Professor knowledge and specializations at any given time, including your own, naturally. However, the following list of elective studies has proven to be offered reliably each term:

Once you’ve selected a course to teach, send out a mass e-mail to the entire student body. An example follows:

Hey,

Are you pissed off at your Internet Service Provider for throttling your download speed? What about those cheap asses at the utility company who cut off your water supply for completely frivolous and nonsensical made-up reasons, like “unacceptable payment history”? Frick me, what’s a few thousand dollars to some powerful monopoly corporation?

I can show you how to right these corporate wrongs from the comfort of… like, wherever it is you’re crashing at the moment (not judging here).

SIGN UP NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SPACE IS LTD.

- T.

Our tests are designed to meet your personal need to feel challenged, without being too intellectually taxing. This, in tandem with our belief that "there is no one right answer" and our generous grading curve allows us a near 100% passing rate.

Our principle of reciprocal learning is based on the axiom that the human race contains the sum of human knowledge and skill, therefore any subset of that whole must contain a proportion of that knowledge and skill. Even within a group of idiots there exists vast knowledge, and even among failures there exists great strength. Probably. Studies have proven it.

Research

FU prides itself on using its research endowments to validate the studies which underly its own instructional model. Additionally, additional studies are being studied in-house that validate the validity of doing studies about the validity of in-house studies. These are repeated yearly, on an annual basis to establish replicability. Identical findings have been produced each year that establish both the validity of FU’s instructional model, and the replicability of the study methodology and findings— which are identical. Collectively, these comprise individual steps of what will eventually become a longitudinal study of the university, its teaching methods, and its research methods, but early projections indicate that no contradictory findings will be found.

Student Life

Residences

If you're flexible, excellent accommodations can be found in any price range.

As FU is not a brick and mortar institution, no student residences are provided. During temperate weather, bridges, apartment canopies and fire escapes provide adequate shelter, though the more nomadic and adventuresome student may appreciate the flexibility and portability of an appliance box. For autumn and winter attendees, FU recommends friends and relatives as an excellent source of housing for low to no cost.

Libraries

FU highly encourages its students to avail themselves of public library facilities in their local area. These provide the Internet access, clean washrooms, and comfortable chairs which our students have come to expect of an institution of this magnitude.

Athletics

The university has no sports teams per se, so for those with a special interest in athletics the administration wishes to remind you that it is reasonably simple to attend basketball, football and baseball games by switching on a nearby television.

Fraternies

FU’s sole fraternity is Gamma Gamma Eta (ΓΓΗ). Students wishing to pledge must love punk, but not know to play an instrument. Uniforms are mandatory, and available for purchase at most Value Village and Salvation Army stores. There are no other rules, but anyone caught sleeping with the President’s girlfriend will be shunned, then complained about in a song in lieu of expulsion.

Final Project

In order to promote the desired mix of creativity, frugality and industry that distinguish our graduates, the final assignment of each student is to create their own degree. Certainly, you could pay some alleged faculty headquartered out of a cheap motel to manufacture and send you a pre-printed degree, but what would you learn from the experience? Only further confirmation that you’re stupid enough to approve your own tuition hikes. Instead, you should produce your own third-party-accredited, self-conferred degree by following this simple tutorial. Try this at home. It really works!

1. Use your favourite search engine to find pictures of other people’s degrees on-line. You’d be amazed by how many pretentious twits will scan in their sheepskin to post on their website as an electronic equivalent of a schoolyard “Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah”. For your convenience, here is some anonymous jerk’s actual degree unwittingly uploaded just so you could make a carbon copy of it for yourself without paying the tens of thousands of dollars for it that he had to. Who’s the smarty now?
2. Launch your favourite word processor. If you don’t have one, you can download the standalone AbiWord, or get an entire office suite (including a spreadsheet and presentation software) from OpenOffice.org. (Seriously — when it comes to being cheap, all kidding is off.)
3. Adjust the page margins and set the orientation to ‘landscape’. Some universities, like Harverd, have degrees printed using portrait orientation, but they’re a minority. Besides, FU’s administration has it on good authority that portrait-style degrees are more likely to be accused of being fake.
4. Select a fancy Old English style font. If you don’t have a good font installed search on-line for free fonts. Keep in mind that the importance of Old English font is not merely for aesthetic purposes, it’s tiring to read — and that’s a good thing! Using that frilly, tangled text in the traditional layout instantly signals to potential readers what the document is, thereby saving them the trouble of actually having to read it. Even the most stoic of employers will see “University of Tuktoyaktuk”, allow their eyes to drift down to find your name, then sigh with relief knowing they can safely ignore all the scholarly psychobabble in small print.
5. Notice the example degree to the right; a nice curved name at the top looks most impressive. In OpenOffice, you can create a fancy ‘Fontwork’ arc by selecting: Format > Object > Fontwork. While FU heartily recommends that you emblazon your degree with Failure University across the top, no one will blame you if you do otherwise.
6. Blatantly copy the text from the degree you downloaded earlier. Start with the name of the institution. (Truthfully, no one at FU headquarters will look at it to notice. Call it the “honour system” if it makes you feel better than being cheated or merely ignored.) Plus, there really is no substitute for a Doctor of Laws from Harverd, or a Master of Locksmithing from Yale.

And you’re done. With only a few dollars invested in thick, quality paper for your final print, you may expect to reap an instant $25,000 to $75,000 raise. Go ahead and get yourself one of those fancy square caps in your favourite colour if you like.

Famous Alumni

For proof of the results of this express lane to greatness, one need only look at the meteoric rise of:

• Laura Callahan from a virtual unknown to a senior information technology manager at the White House, the Deputy Chief Information Officer of the United States Department of Labor, and a senior director at the US Department of Homeland Security.
• Charles Abell, Assistant Secretary of Defense (US)
• US Representative Jennifer Carroll (Florida)
• David F. Brodhagen, Deputy U.S. marshal
• William R. Church, White House senior military advisor

It’s all true. Something in this article had to be.

Commencement Address

by Bevis

I’d like to begin today by offering my warmest, most heartfelt condolences to you, the doles … or, rather, my sincerest congratulations to you, the grads of 2010. When I look out at all your smiling faces… or, rather, what I imagine to be smiling faces, given that this comes by way of mass e-mail… I am deeply moved by your distinct individuality. Individuality is the key to success. And while elsewhere there are dozens of hundreds of students sitting in actual auditoriums dressed in identical caps and gowns, it is my pleasure to imagine you, the class of 2010, sitting there in your fading concert T-shirts and stained underpants, skimming every 5th or 7th word I’ve written, while you wait for your celebratory microwave banquet dinner to thaw. Now, in your future career, as in life, you’ll find… DING! …Ah, well I see my minute is up. Best wishes, and do enjoy the peach cobbler. Not too quickly, mind you, the steam under that plastic is hot.

Hello, I'm Robin Leech! Join me on an R-rated retreat to the recently-raided radiantly raunchy ranch retreat of renowned recording artist and record producer Robbie Williams. Watch with wide wonder as I waddle waist-deep through wild women wiggling wantonly while Wall Street WASPs with whips whack weirdo wannabes wallowing wherever we wander. I don't know why!

Alternative Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous is a forthcoming syndicated television series scheduled to premiere this fall, featuring the incomparable, incommensurable, and now ailing and incomprehensible Robin Leech.

The show features the unusual and unknown lifestyles of entertainers, athletes, business personalities, and other wealthy and successful individuals that you’re completely fascinated to learn more about, despite the fact that their very existence underlines the complete worthlessness of your own with bright yellow highlighting pen. However, in this new reincarnation of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous it is hoped that you will find some solace in knowing that your golden idol secretly engages in roleplay in her furry fursona, works in his garage where he’s converting his car to run on his own poop, or is using biofeedback to practice simulating a death-like state, in order to avoid a lengthy prison sentence for tax-evasion. Then, there’s that guy who’s overseeing the construction of a new window in his 17,000 square foot mansion, comprised solely of Mason jars filled with stuff that he collects, and that you’d really rather not know the contents of, no matter how much you insist you really do. No… no… Absolutely can’t do it. Sorry! Because, honestly, it’s really just too… What? How much? Well… okay. Maybe as a Pay-Per-View or a Direct-to-Video release. Our legal department will be in touch.

Development

Alternative Lifestyles was envisioned as a what industry spokespersons describe as a “revenue stream replacement mechanism” for the franchise. In layspeak this means that the show’s producers were tired out living in their cars, showering at their health club, and eating partially-dried pâté de foie gras and spoiled cassoulet from the dumpsters of only the finest five star restaurants, after their litigation against the producers of MTV’s Cribs and VH1′s The Fabulous Life Of was thrown out of court with prejudice.

In updating the show’s look and feel to be competitive with trash TV of the new millennium, a panel of critics was consulted. Palms were greased, prospective episodes were screened, and comments were tallied. In the words of one producer:

Feedback about the initial edits gave us real concern, particularly descriptors like ‘compelling storytelling’ and ‘engrossing drama’. These are a death sentence to popular entertainment. I mean really — even A&E isn’t Arts & Entertainment anymore. So we made substantial changes to the script, re-filmed certain segments, and hired some fresh editors out of first year film school. And once we started hearing stuff like ‘puerile, vacuous tripe’ and seeing rolled up popcorn bags being lobbed angrily at the screen — Bam! — we knew we’d nailed it.

Episodes

22.86 Centimetre Nails

They once almost nearly sold one album in the United States, when a distracted customer purchased one at a home improvement store, thinking it was a box of gutter nails. Home Depot, who’d been similarly fooled, quit distributing 22.86 Centimetre Nails products soon afterward, thus losing the band their only major US distributor.

Formation

2286CMN's Brent Razor: Brooding, intoxicated, falling out of shot. The alternative rock universe's everyman.

2286CMN is the product of one man, Brent Belzer, after he received notification from the Government of Canada that his federal Employment Insurance benefits were about to run out. At this point Brent, decided that real and decisive action was called for. So, he applied for welfare down at City Hall, while simultaneously trying to establish eligibility for permanent disability benefits through the provincial government.

It was during this period, in lucid moments between cases of beer and Coronation Street re-runs on CBC, that he gave serious thought to starting up a band. Not one to rush into anything too hastily, Brent considered his options for an additional 11 months until his municipal welfare cheques were about to be suspended. Then, after an all-night brainstorming session about his band — including a name, some song titles, potential album themes, logo ideas, and a new stage personae — Brent elected to redouble his efforts to obtain permanent disability status, and began writing a letter to the Premier of Manitoba every other day.

When this ultimately proved unsuccessful, Brent compiled all of his government correspondence, fortified and distilled them with all the rage and hate he could muster, and penned the lyrics to an entire album’s worth of material. However, being Canadian, the mood and edginess of the material was somewhat lacking with the tone varying somewhere between mild annoyance and genuine bewilderedness. However, with the invaluable assistance of fellow Canadian and producer Bob Rock, “Frickin’ Government Pinheads” was released to mild critical acclaim.

Sound

Music journalists have pissed away entire forests worth of pages, debating the influences that comprise the 2286CMN sound. Amongst the most widely published:

"Imagine Gordon Lightfoot strolling through a majestic field of wheat while singing about trains, then violently chewed to pieces by a John Deere combine, and you have some idea of the 2286CMN signature sound..."

~ Shanda Lear, Moosejaw Daily Droppings

"Brent Razor [real name: Brent Belzer] is a new twist on old-school. If Ann Murray dropped barbiturates, then started plucking her snowbird's feathers out one at a time, on some urban thoroughfare undergoing major construction with loaders, Bobcats, jackhammers and concrete saws -- we'd have something akin to what 2286CMN produces on this new album."

~ Dick Hertz, Saskatoon News & Views

"Now seriously, is this really industrial music, or just some lazy-assed bum bemoaning the non-fruits of his non-labours while his employed buddies renovate his basement den into a bar, lounge and home theatre, with an assortment of noisy power tools? No, really. Tell me, because I don't know."

~ Eve Hill, Winnipeg Wiccan Weekly

Themes

Most, if not all of 22.86 Centimetre Nails are protest songs, decrying social injustices — perceived or actual. Amongst the recurring tirades:

• Rising food prices
• Laws prohibiting the sale of alcohol on Sundays
• Too many weeks of full time employment required to be eligible for Employment Insurance
• Decreases in the wild Ptarmigan population / expensive hunting licenses
• Long lineups at the free clinic

However, some of the more recent albums contain hints of real joy, albeit alcohol induced.

Future

Brent Razor is reportedly hard at work on the next studio album, tentatively called “More Songs About Beer And Snowmobiling”. For the first time in group history, it will contain substantial contributions and brief cameos by other artists, all claiming to be 2286CMN fans.

The first confirmed collaborator will be Amy Winehouse, though recent sightings of John Frusciante around the studio is fueling speculation that he’s fallen off the wagon again.

Phil Spector was slated to guest produce, but his availability has since changed, making this likely yet another self-produced Razor outing.

freeloading between my left and right baby toes and their respective next-door neighbours:

Now look — I consider myself a patient man. Not Ghandi patient, or even Obama patient, but certainly more than Rush Limbaugh patient or Alec Baldwin patient. But your persistent and unwarranted existence is really becoming a source of irritation, both in a physically literal and a more abstract psychological sense. In no uncertain terms, I am demanding that you shove off immediately.

Now I think it’s important to consider that this relationship did enjoy an initial period of relative comfort and mutual tolerance. For the longest time indeed, I hardly noticed you, and even when I did, your existence was more of a curious kind of curiosity than the 24-hour torment which it currently is.

I accept that I did not approach this as openly and honestly as I’m doing so now — and this is my shortcoming. Yes, it was wrong of me to begin lathering you excessively with medicinal soap and over the counter fungicide. Yes, that tolnaftate cream must have been unpleasant for you to endure. But most unpleasant of all was my lack of communication about the reasoning behind all of this.

So I’m just going to say now what I should have said all those years ago — I’m not ready for this kind of relationship. I need to be my own man — for now, and perhaps forever.

Hoping you’ll understand,

- Me.

Sure, my manager keeps urging me to switch to a word processor... Call me nostalgic, call me old fashioned, but I think my creativity really flows with my favourite quill in a well of goat's blood.

About The Author

In this, the long-awaited follow-up to 1980′s Children of the Sea and 1985′s Rock ‘N’ Roll Children, Ronnie gives some of the classic children’s nursery rhymes his signature treatment.

Baa Baa Black Sheep

Baa, baa, black sheep,

Oh, you’re such a fool,

Sell your soul in

The fragments of your wool;

One for Mephistopheles

And the minions of the game,

And one for the gypsy girl

Who gives magic pain.

All Around The Mulberry Bush

All around the mulberry bush

The snake pursued the weasel.

The snake bit deep, and blood did rush.

Pop! goes the weasel.

A penny for a shard of light,

That penetrates the darkness.

Who paid the price in mortal fight?

Pop! goes the weasel.

Up and down and in and out,

The path of twisted Evil,

Death awaits the ones who fright.

Pop! goes the weasel.

Thirty pounds of thundering might,

The creature: Satan’s beagle,

Out the doggie door from Hell,

Pop! goes the weasel.

Georgie Porgie

Georgie Porgie, mystery eyes,

Tricked the girls and told them lies.

And when his house of cards was falling,

He fled to Hell by Satan’s calling.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

To sacrifice a chicken

But Jack the Catholic took offence

To Jill who was a Wiccan.

So Jack seized both

The feathers silk

And hair so soft and wispy

And offered both on altar high

And broiled them extra crispy.

Hey Diddle Diddle

Hey diddle diddle,

The Devil played fiddle,

The night of the full blood-moon,

Lucifer laughed with a hideous snort,

His dish is where your soul will lie soon.

Monday’s Child

Monday’s child is full of sorrow,

Tuesday’s child is born tomorrow,

Wednesday’s child walks from the light,

Thursday’s child talks to the night,

Friday’s child denies the truth,

Saturday’s child is long in tooth,

But the child that’s born on the Sabbath day

Is a dwarven pseudo-poet with a rock star toupee.

Dig-A-Grave

Dig-a-grave, dig-a-grave, cemetery man,

Dig me a grave as deep as you can.

Find it, carve it, and mark it with a “D”

Throw yourself in and send the bill to me.

Dig-A-Grave

Dig-a-grave, dig-a-grave, cemetery man,

Dig me a grave as deep as you can.

Find it, carve it, and mark it with a “D”

Throw yourself in and send the bill to me.

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Row, row, row your boat

Gently under the stream.

You all shall die in a fiery blast,

From my nuclear submarine.

What Are Little Children Made Of?

What are little boys made of?

Tyranny, wrath,

And need for a bath,

That’s what little boys are made of.

What are little girls made of?

Temptation and lies,

And certain demise,

That’s what little girls are made of.

Publication Details

Ronnie James Dio’s Big Book of Nursery Rhymes will be published by Houghton Mifflin early next year in a large-format hardcover with copious illustrations by Peter Mihaichuk and (of course) the evergreen children’s artist Hieronymus Bosch. Advance copies have been in the hands of critics for two months, and the reactions have been favorable: Andrew Rosenthal of the N.Y. Times wrote, “A refreshing work that any adult will enjoy reading to their child. Hail Satan!”

Additional writing credit: One-Eyed Jack (Publication details)

SCENE I. Padua. A public place.

LUCENTIO sits before a miniature trapeze set, a see-saw, a merry-go-round, a ferris wheel and a tightrope. Two shrews wander about, sniffing and leaving droppings. LUCENTIO rises from his seat and spreads his arms wide in dramatic fashion.

LUCENTIO

Grasp thy paws firmly upon the tethered bars or aroint thee, foul rodents! I implore thee, try not my patience for I know the name of a skilled exterminator!

The shrews show no indication of noticing him. LUCENTIO sinks back onto a stool, cradling his head in his hands. Enter PETRUCCIO.

PETRUCCIO

Whatchoo got there then?

LUCENTIO

Do thine own eyes not tell them to be mice?

PETRUCCIO

Blimey, they ain’t no mouses, mate. The nose is too long, innit? And the feet. They’s got five toes on each foot, don’t they? Mouses got only four.

LUCENTIO

Indeed. And you are…?

PETRUCCIO

Name’s Petruccio, mate. And if it’s all the same to ya, we can drop the posh talk. Just came by the park to float a sausage to the seaside but remembered I hadn’t a bog roll. Seen any big leaves?

LUCENTIO

I fear I have not.

PETRUCCIO

A shame. But then it’s me own fault for eating that cuzzer. Always gives me the squirts, it does… Shoulda used the khazi before they threw me out. So whatchoo doing with shrews anyway?

LUCENTIO

Taming them to perform at my command, good sir.

PETRUCCIO

You must be barmy, mate. Whachoo wanna do that for?

LUCENTIO

Well, to make money, of course.

PETRUCCIO

You’re all over the gaff, you are. Arsing about. What choo need is an expert.

LUCENTIO

(with suspicion)

Someone like yourself, for example…

PETRUCCIO

Right! Gimme a bit of dosh and a few minutes with ‘em and Bob’s your uncle.

LUCENTIO

(losing the posh talk completely)

What a load of cack. Bugger off, dosser.

PETRUCCIO

Crickey So you ain’t a cabbage after all. No really, mate. For a bit of crust methinks I can help. It’s a doddle, it is.

LUCENTIO

Honestly?

PETRUCCIO

Dead cert.

LUCENTIO

Alright then.

PETRUCCIO

Cushty. First thing you should know is that some of these little buggers is poisonous, so we’d be best get ‘em good ‘n monged before we start.

PETRUCCIO pulls out a flask of unknown contents and spills some between the shews, who imbibe heartily.

PETRUCCIO

Awright. That should get ‘em mullered. Now… ‘ow ’bout a ride on the ferris wheel. There we are.

LUCENTIO

Love a duck! I thought you were a nutter, but look!

PETRUCCIO

‘Ave some ‘a that!

THE SHREWS remain on the wheel, staring around as it spins. Until they vomit and lose consciousness.

LUCENTIO

Mullered, eh? On your bike, plonker!

PETRUCCIO

Oh keep your pecker up. I just spilled a bit much. Giveum a minute to come ’round and all’ll be luvverly jubberly.

(FADE TO BLACK)

Act 2

SCENE I. Interior. A veterinary waiting room.

LUCENTIO

Pardon me, but you did say “luvverly jubberly”…?

PETRUCCIO

Oh for God’s sake, quit wanking on about it, they’ll be just fine…

A nurse appears, shakes her head, and exits.

PETRUCCIO

…and even if they ain’t, I’ll know what to do next time.

(to nurse) Oi! Can we have those to-go in a take-home box? Thanks, love.

LUCENTIO

Dare I ask what you want them for?

PETRUCCIO

(frowns)

Best not to. Anyway, me mate can set us up with a ‘nother pair of shrews dead cheap.

LUCENTIO

Shove off before I go spare.

PETRUCCIO

These ones is on me, squire. He owes me. So whatchoo wanna try next?

LUCENTIO

Magic? With a bit of sleight of hand I imagine I could make them disappear up your bottom.

PETRUCCIO

‘Avin’ a go at me, are ya? Fine. I earned it. Get it out of your system then.

LUCENTIO

No, let’s just get on with it. I’m running out of ideas and you’re the “expert” as I recall.

PETRUCCIO

Right. Well, maybe we’s aiming too high. Need something simple but impressive looking…

LUCENTIO

We could shoot them out of a cannon.

PETRUCCIO

Been done.

LUCENTIO

Ride a hot air balloon?

PETRUCCIO

Too pricey.

LUCENTIO

Fetch my slippers and newspaper?

PETRUCCIO

Smeghead.

LUCENTIO

Right, well what do you suggest then?

PETRUCCIO

Come to think of it, easiest way to tame a shrew is with a newspaper. Rolled up. Piss-easy, it is.

LUCENTIO

Ah, so they can learn from punishment?

PETRUCCIO

Nah. Usually get beaten to death first. But they’re good an’ behaved afterward, bein’ dead an’ all.

LUCENTIO

Where are you going with this?

PETRUCCIO smiles and indicates the take-out box.

LUCENTIO

Never!

PETRUCCIO

Oi! The punters will eat it up. With the right sauce and a low price, we’re bettin’ on a winnin’ horse ‘ere.

LUCENTIO

Never!

PETRUCCIO

C’mon. People don’t see nothin’, do they? Won’t notice. They just want cheap eats.

LUCENTIO

Never.

PETRUCCIO

Think of the money. We’ll get a second-hand cart. Meat’s nearly free. Almost 100% profit.

LUCENTIO

Really?

PETRUCCIO

Dead cert. Shrews is everywhere. They grow themselves. We’ll give it some poncey sounding name. Like “shawarma”. No one knows what that stuff is, really.

LUCENTIO holds his chin pensively, as a smile creeps across his lips.

(FADE TO BLACK)

Act 3

SCENE I. Interior. Lucentio’s house.

LUCENTIO

(sighs)

‘Tis a shame we could not follow through with your “shawarma” idea. I so liked the sound of it. So exotic. We’d have been singular; innovators of the marketplace.

PETRUCCIO

(voice from another room)

Sorry mate, but there’s no sense in whinging on about it. Like I was sayin’, they hangs that meat on a skewer, see? Too visible. The public is idiots, but even they could suss that. The police would do us in no time.

LUCENTIO

How’s it coming along in there?

PETRUCCIO

Bees knees. Have a gander.

PETRUCCIO enters with a large tray of sausages

LUCENTIO

They look lovely!

PETRUCCIO

Ta. I filched some skins from the butcher to make ‘em look all professional like.

LUCENTIO

Shall I get the cart ready?

PETRUCCIO

Meet you outside in five. Bring the mustard.

LUCENTIO and PETRUCCIO smile at the audience, clasp arms, and bow deeply.

(CURTAIN FALLS)

White as the snow but black as night,

I beg all visitors that be,

“Close the door and turn off the light.”

In the grip of ambivalence

I’ve often winced and cried aloud.

Asked to bestow but a few pence

I’ve hid within this bedding shroud.

Beyond this place of ruffled frills,

Looms the horror of work and strife

But while me mum is paying bills

I’m freed to sleep away my life.

It matters not that you berate,

Or plead with me to set some goal,

I am the master of my fate

I am the captain of my soul.

"Bumble flimble um hah helicopter er blah Tony Zakk feh wha nother drink chah shah oh er bah bah bah..."

I met a roadie from an ancient band

Who said:—”Two fat and drunken legs did groan

Staggering through the blizzard toward the can,

And attached a bloated corpse, whose dim frown

And slurring lips no known words do command.

Should you see the bastard, alive or dead,

Barking at the moon or beheading things,

Say ‘You’re on in ten, or so Sharon said’.

Cos’ on the marquee your name does appear:

For you are Ozymandias, he who sings.

Keep performing those old songs, but despair!

Nothing catchy remains: So add delay

And a choir to that wreck, tuneless and bare,

‘Til the record sales do dwindle away.”