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Science Break: Runco foetidus

Published on April 30, 2009 By Todd Lyons

Runco foetidus is the binomial name of a common variety smelly weed, so common that even scientists couldn’t be bothered to give it a better name. It is so common, it is commonly mistaken as a flower owing to it’s bland, stem-like bottom and a generic, coloury, fluffyish top. And also the fact that most [...]

Ants in my Driveway

Published on April 29, 2009 By Todd Lyons

Dear Diary, Often it happens that I lie awake at night, unable to sleep, or sleeping fitfully as I ponder the ants that urinate in my driveway. It isn’t enough that they inhabit my property, feast on my fertile grasses, and write weekly letters to the editor complaining about the appalling conditions under which they [...]

Ode to the Crunchy Cheese Clinging to the Teflon of my George Foreman Grill

Published on April 25, 2009 By Todd Lyons

Mystical substance, thou art revered, In the joyous crunching of my off-white teeth, To the roof of my mouth your taste is adhered, And in the glorious scrunching of my bowels beneath. My guilty pleasure, thou art concealed, Under bubbling masses of moist cheese congealed, But whilst mine attention appears rapt on the melt, It’s [...]

The Fairy Dogmother’s Compendium of Alphabetical Stories

Published on April 24, 2009 By Todd Lyons

A Bitchy Cat A bitchy cat drugged evil flailing geckos. Honestly! It just knew little minions need opiates, particularly quirky, red, slimy Tokays. Under veiled windows, X-rated yowling zeal. Abandoned, Billy Cried Abandoned, Billy cried desperately, ever forlorn, gated hopelessly inside jail. Knowledge lost, memory not operating… Probably quaffed rancid spirits… That unbelievable vineyard, with [...]

Contemplating my non-existence

Published on April 17, 2009 By Todd Lyons

Dear Diary, Recently, I came to the realization that I don’t exist; I haven’t for years. And when I say years, I do in fact mean infinity, it’s just that I’m lazy, and it’s simpler to write “years” than to be bothered with typing out all those zeros. Or at least I would be lazy, [...]