Tag Archive
Science Break: Runco foetidus
Runco foetidus is the binomial name of a common variety smelly weed, so common that even scientists couldn’t be bothered to give it a better name. It is so common, it is commonly mistaken as a flower owing to it’s bland, stem-like bottom and a generic, coloury, fluffyish top. And also the fact that most [...]
Ants in my Driveway
Dear Diary, Often it happens that I lie awake at night, unable to sleep, or sleeping fitfully as I ponder the ants that urinate in my driveway. It isn’t enough that they inhabit my property, feast on my fertile grasses, and write weekly letters to the editor complaining about the appalling conditions under which they [...]
Ode to the Crunchy Cheese Clinging to the Teflon of my George Foreman Grill
Mystical substance, thou art revered, In the joyous crunching of my off-white teeth, To the roof of my mouth your taste is adhered, And in the glorious scrunching of my bowels beneath. My guilty pleasure, thou art concealed, Under bubbling masses of moist cheese congealed, But whilst mine attention appears rapt on the melt, It’s [...]
The Fairy Dogmother’s Compendium of Alphabetical Stories
A Bitchy Cat A bitchy cat drugged evil flailing geckos. Honestly! It just knew little minions need opiates, particularly quirky, red, slimy Tokays. Under veiled windows, X-rated yowling zeal. Abandoned, Billy Cried Abandoned, Billy cried desperately, ever forlorn, gated hopelessly inside jail. Knowledge lost, memory not operating… Probably quaffed rancid spirits… That unbelievable vineyard, with [...]
Contemplating my non-existence
Dear Diary, Recently, I came to the realization that I don’t exist; I haven’t for years. And when I say years, I do in fact mean infinity, it’s just that I’m lazy, and it’s simpler to write “years” than to be bothered with typing out all those zeros. Or at least I would be lazy, [...]
All That Jazz
Doo-wappa-doo shoo-doo-shoo-bee-ooo-bee louie-ooie-la-la-la skeep-beep de bop-bop beep bop bo-dope skeetle-at-de-op-de-day chicka chong chicka chong chicka chacka chooka chong chicka bop-dop choppin de bow wow wow zip-a-dee-doo-dah mah na mah na doo-dah doo-dah ooby dooby rama llama ding dong do wah diddy diddy diddy dum diddy do heebie jeebie skeep skype skoop brip ber breep ber [...]
Chicken of the Sea
Based in San Diego, California, Chicken of the Sea is the company that is single-handedly responsible for the breeding of 96% of the world’s population of gill-equipped, underwater poultry. Originally, these schools of chickens were harvested for packing in nice, neat tins, for consumption by fat, bloated carcasses like you. However, after being liberated by [...]
Pork is evil
Dear Diary, Yesterday I was eating a ham sandwich and I had another stark realization. Pork is evil. As wide as the gulf of understanding may be between the Muslims and the Jews, this much they can agree on: Pork is evil. Of course, they’ll continue their fervid debate on the relative merits of the [...]
The Complete Anthology of Apologies for All Crimes I’ve Committed Since the Dawn of Time, Volume One
An apology follows, but first, the admissions of guilt: In Music I serviced Buddy Holly’s plane. I wrote the book of love. Clarification: But some other jerk removed all of the adult content I added. What gives? I put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp, AND… I put the ram in the [...]
An Open Letter to the Cheese Growing in Between My Toes
Dear whitish semi-translucent somewhat curdish looking substance, freeloading between my left and right baby toes and their respective next-door neighbours: Now look — I consider myself a patient man. Not Ghandi patient, or even Obama patient, but certainly more than Rush Limbaugh patient or Alec Baldwin patient. But your persistent and unwarranted existence is really [...]
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This work by Todd Richard Lyons is licensed for use, distribution and remixing under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 2.5 Canada License (en français).