Chubby Cheeks, a rare albino squirrel and an alumnus of Oberlin College in Ohio, is executive director of the 21st Century Squirrels Program. He chattered with UnNews from his Central Park treehouse near Manhattan’s Upper West Side.

“An inadequate housing and food supply, coupled with a loss in corporate donations owing to the revocation of my organization’s 501(c)(3) charitable tax-exemption status has resulted in reduced social service availability to needy families, increased levels of civic unrest and a sharp spike in domestic violence,” he remarked.

Sly Stone, an Eastern Grey Squirrel (or Sciurus carolinensis) and the President of the Central Park Tree-Tenants Association expressed frustration over the racial and cultural lines being divided over the fear of want.

“It’s in times like these that squirrels show their true colours. We’ve got to live together. There is a yellow one that won’t accept the black one that won’t accept the red one that won’t accept the white one. Ooh shah shaaaaah. We’re everyday squirrels.”

In hopes of stemming the mounting casualites, the US National Guard has overturned its traditional expectation that reserves serve “one weekend a month, two weeks a year”, and pulled about 40% of its personnel into active full-time duty. According to an official spokesman, cadets are “…faring reasonably well considering they’re out of practice.” Amongst the most pressing problems is the necessity for pinpoint accuracy when using automatic weapons in human-occupied areas, and a supply of rabies vaccination serum that is far outstripped by demand.

“Even with their current racial unity problems, they’re still demonstrating an ability to unite against a common enemy,” observed Peter Perrywinkle, animal sociologist. “A pack of Greys is just as likely as ever to tell a pack of Reds, ‘You take right, we’ll go left. First one to the nuts wins.’ when face-to-ankle with invading personnel — and there’s no disagreement about it. This bodes well for an eventual reconciliation of the species.”

Sources

• Sue Sweeney “Growing up Squirrel“. Floridata, July 4, 2006

Ekstatick gradyooits just momints beefor injeree wen the hats they throo sudinnlee fell bak down on there heds herting them with there sharp pointee edguz. Polees at the seen r stil trying to pees toogethur wat went wrong, and how fyoochur tragedees like this cud be avoydid.

OUKLUNT, CALIPHERNEA — Akording 2 a nashunul survay conduckted by the US Duhpartmint uv Edyookayshun, Ingglish litter a see among collige gradyooits has Dee Klined dramaticklee in the past 10 yeers. Onlee 31 per sent uv collige gradyooits 2day R profishunt in Ingglish litter a see, cumpaired with 40 per sent just a decayde ago. Theez findingz wur cunfirmd buy a fedurrull stuhdee conduckted by the Nashunul Sentur for Edyookayshun Stuhtissticks.

Litter a see expurts and edyoukayturz say thay R surprised by the results, and cuncerned beecuz the daytuh cums with no obveeus explanashun.

“Its uhppolling — its reelee asstownding,” sed Mikul Gormun, prezident uv the American Liebraree Assoseeashun and a liebraireeun at Caliphernea State Yooniversitsee at Frezno.

“Wuts dissturrbing iz that the ahsessmunt is not desined 2 test ur undur standing of Proost, butt 2 test ur abillitee 2 read laybulls,” sed Mark Shnyedur, commishunur of edyookayshun stuhtissticks.

Growvur Jay Witehurst, the duhrecktor uv the Duhpartmint uv Edyookayshun Institoot ruhsponsubul for over seeing the Nashunul Ahsessmunt uv Uhdult Litter a see, sed that he beeleevs that litter a see is Dee Kline ing as a reezult uv the inkrees in tell a vizshun vyouing and surfing the Internet.

Jonathin Millur, chair man and cheef eggsecutiv offisur of AOL sed the akusashuns wur nonsens.

“AOL putz peeople in tuch, alowwing them 2 typ 2 eech uther in reel time veeuh AOL instunt messungur. Wee promoat litter a see through actyv cumyooincayshun.”

Source

• Lois Romano “Litter a see uv collige graduits is on Dee Kline“. Washington Post, December 25, 2005

Though they were the innocent victims in all of this, wrongfully accused of worldwide bio-terrorism, spokescows chose to take the high road, responding to their critics: "Moo. Moo moo. Moo? Mooooooooooo."

KEMPTVILLE, Ontario, Canada — Farting and belching by vegans is a key contributor to global warming problems, extinction of earth species, and a worldwide suicide epidemic involving Angus Beef cattle suffering from feelings of alienation and personal rejection, a climate change think tank warned today.

The Centre for Vegan Bio-terrorism Research studied the relative emissions discharge of cattle, vegans, and “normal” people, and produced some surprising results according to the Ontario Ranchers Association, corporate sponsors of the research.

“Just one vegan consuming a typical diet of soy products, legumes, lentils, nuts, seeds and whole grains, produces sufficient harmful methane gas in a single day to fill a space equivalent to the Toronto SkyDome,” a researcher said, adding, “This is really harmful to the environment.”

He went on to suggest that truly environmentally conscious social activists would do better to consume a diet equivalent to the daily consumption of a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, half a kilo of bacon, 6 eggs, and a sexy Mexican cabana boy by the name of Eduardo (lightly marinated in olive oil), were they truly concerned about the future welfare of the human race due to pollution and overpopulation.

Dr. Derrière le Plouft, professor of Environmental Studies at Carleton University, said that in addition to environmental damage, veganism causes untold human tragedy in the form of unemployment, discrimination, and poverty to farmers, their families, abattoir employees, their families, meat packing plant workers, their families, and meat marketing specialists… and their families.

The validity of these statements have been independently confirmed via third party assurances from The Ontario Pork Producers’ Marketing Board, The Ontario Egg Producers Syndicate, PETA, and the Ontario United Meat Processors Association.

Publicity photo from the Tour of the Living Dead

It beats shivering on a cold bedpan watching Lawrence Welk, doesn’t it? ~ Rogério Budasz

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil — The yearly surge of elderly tourists attending Rio’s world renowned carnival began a week early this year, with the arrival of Rolling Stones, who were on hand to provide a free concert before a crowd of nearly 120 people at Copacabana Beach.

The audience, largely comprised of residents from a number of neighbouring retirement homes, were mildly impressed by the performance, though it was unclear whether this was due to the music itself, or the rare treat of being allowed outdoors for a field trip by bus.

“I was filled with great hope,” said Rogério Budasz, 81. “The fact that Keith Richards is still alive, yet alone able to play, is greatly inspiring to me. Yes, he’s not as good as he was, and actually isn’t even as good as those kids I used to hear trying to tune by ear at the music store, but still… it beats shivering on a cold bedpan watching Lawrence Welk, doesn’t it?”

Most of the geriatric rockers were able to get to the stage under their own power with the aid of wheelchairs, canes, and walking frames, though Brian Jones, looking much worse for wear, had to be carried aloft by a dozen pallbearers. Bill Wyman was able to reunite the lineup for the evening by special arrangement with his Warden. Though he had the most dexterity of the surviving members, his walk to the stage took the longest owing to his insistence on keeping his back to the wall at all times.

In lieu of an opening act, Mick Jagger officiated a round-robin shuffleboard tournament. The winner, Fabiano Damiao Ferreira Da Silva, 68, was excused from having to listen and was instead allowed to remain backstage and receive unchaperoned conversation with Mick’s personal stable of 40-something groupies (age, not quantity).

The gents opened the Saturday night show with a 12-minute extended version of “(Hey You) Get Off My Lawn,” unintentionally lengthened due to forgotten lyrics and the resulting long instrumental sections.

Fire department officials were within seconds of the stage, ready to provide defibrillation to band and audience members as required.

“I’ve waited for this all my life,” said 99-year-old Mariana Dos Santos, shortly before passing away due to complications from a prior stroke.

Event security consisted of four police officers deployed by the city, dressed in traditional Brazilian soccer riot gear, but apparently warned by officials to refrain from using their stun tazers.

Earlier this month, three people were fatally crushed and 38 injured in Sao Paulo when dozens of elderly broke through security lines at an autograph session for Wayne Newton.

This was the Stones’ third visit to Brazil but their first experiment with a free show. Falling ticket and CD sales, and diminishing concert attendance has driven them to cast their net into deep international waters in recent years.

“They’re past their prime, and they need to get a grip,” said has-been nineties rapper Vanilla Ice, before abruptly retracting his statement and apologizing profusely. “Do you have Mick’s number? If he’d let me sample some stuff, I think we could mount a mutal comeback. Mick, if you’re reading this call me. At home. Please.”

NEW YORK (UNN) — Al Lewis, washed-up ex-television star of the 1964-66 program “The Munsters” died on Friday, for approximately 3 minutes. He was 95.

Lewis, a frequent diner and the proprietor of the Greenwich Village restaurant, Grandpa’s, was attacked by an irrate diner just after nightfall, eyewitnesses said. The attacker was identified by police as Lon Chaney Jr., who was believed to have died in July, 1973.

Chaney attracted immediate attention from other Grandpa’s customers by entering the establishment in a black cloak and black gloves, with the cowl obscuring his face completely. After ordering the Veal Marsala with Egg Fettuccini, Chaney lifted his hood and walked to the corner window booth that was Lewis’s regular place. Moonlight from the window wrought immediate transformation, morphing Chaney’s frail body into the semblence of his alter ego, The Wolf Man.

Lewis was down in seconds, unable to provide any defense to Chaney’s deadly claw-claw-bite attack, witnesses said. However, Lewis had risen again before ambulances arrived on the scene, just in time to spoil Chaney’s post-fight celebration.

At last report, metropolitian police had transferred Chaney to a holding cell at the municipal Animal Care & Control centre. After a mandatory vaccination, deworming, and neuter, he was allowed visitors including representatives of the media, but remains on close suicide watch.

“I’ve been planning my revenge on that show-boating bastard for 34 years,” he said. Chaney, still distraught over the loss of his family jewels, was more despondent when informed that Lewis had sustained no lasting injuries—showing no hint of even a scratch after one day’s rest in his coffin. “I thought that cheesy Dracula outfit was just camp. Who knew he was actually a vampire?” he asked.

Chaney, who celebrated his 100th birthday on February 10th, expressed no regrets over his behaviour, except for his entrée selection. “Had I known then what I know now, I would have ordered a stake,” he mused.

Former Wal-Mart Associate Tim Conklin ~ Sacked and disgraced. Conklin owned no other clothing apart from his employee uniform, which he was required to return. Despite ripping off their company, Wal-Mart management was kind enough to provide Conklin with an alternate suit of clothes at employee discount, then waive the charge. Total cost, 3 cents.

Mr. Conklin was able to live a lifestyle that only the top Wal-Mart performers are able to attain… ~ Yosh Shmenge

FORT SMITH, Arkansas, USA (UNN) — A “valued, part-time Associate” employee of Wal-Mart Stores Inc. admitted on Tuesday to stealing an estimated $5,000 in cheap Chinese-made merchandise from the world’s largest retailer.

Tim Conklin, 67, of no fixed address, could serve up to 386 years in prison after pleading guilty to 47,797 counts of petty larceny, though attourneys are currently negotiating the possibility of sentencing the accused to “continued employment in perpetuity, off the clock.”

Authorities were alerted when citizens became suspicious of a sidewalk vendor whose wares had exceeded what could be contained on his folding table, and had expanded to consume an entire city block. Investigation determined that Conklin had been stowing stolen inventory in an abandoned “Baby GAP” store from the street entrance, selling it on his days off, then storing it at night.

“This was purely a matter of personal survival,” Conklin said in a written statement released by his attourney, Phil Pockets.”

In response, Wal-Mart’s litigation team, The Law Offices of Yosh and Stan Shmenge, countered, “Mr. Conklin was a model employee, earning near the top of his job class — $13,961 per year. He was able to live a lifestyle that only the top Wal-Mart performers are able to attain — owning a spacious 3 room home, free and clear of any mortgage. (TheOzark Trail Pentagon 3-Dome Connection Tent is a Wal-Mart exclusive! Made of sturdy and durable nylon-like fiber, it sleeps 8-10 people and is guaranteed to be in stock for the everyday low price of $88.88!)” After a compelling argument detailing Wal-Mart’s financial woes in light of Mr. Conklin’s fraud, Mr. and Mr. Shmenge went on to invite members of the press down to their office for cabbage rolls and coffee afterward.

In court documents, Conklin freely admitted to defrauding Wal-Mart to pay for his numerous habits, including eating, brushing his teeth daily, and wearing shoes. Some mention was made in court about restitution. As of noon, Wal-Mart had agreed to accept the remaining stolen merchandise back, assessing Conklin a 20% restocking fee, or approximately $1,000 in addition to his court imposed sentence.

Formica Johnson, one of two fellow employees who had rented rooms in Conklin’s 3 room tent, was despondent. “Where will I live now? It was alreadytwo-to-a-stall in Wal-Mart’s employee washrooms when I left. Now I’ll have to sleep on the floor under the sink with the others,” she said. Wal-Mart executives declined any comment.

Conklin was more optimistic. “I’m living a dream,” he said. “I’m asking the judge for the maximum.”

Chong: Long time... talk-abouter for the rights of, uhm, like... people... anywhere, to be able to smoke, like, whatever they want, man. It's all good.

We were able to discover additional dangers to U.S. citizens, primarily the illegal importation of “dangerous and untaxed” products. ~ James Fernando

“There were lots of friendly people offering free product samples along the walkway. It was kind of like shopping at Costco, actually, except for the narcotics of course,” said Mitchell Unzmoka, a special agent for U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement. “They’ll sure be surprised when we fill it with cement tomorrow,” he added in an undertone.

James Fernando, special agent in charge of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration’s San Diego office, said he’d received a tip from a “Thomas O. Staggs”, who refused to provide any other personally identifying information, but wanted it on record that he was not the Senior Executive Vice President and Chief Financial Officer of The Walt Disney Company.

“Mr. Staggs revealed that he originally complained to the Office of the U.S. Trade Representative that a new Mexican tourist attraction was unfairly siphoning money out of the coffers of, uhm, American businesses, but his complaint was dismissed because this is fully allowable under NAFTA. After some discussion, we were able to discover additional dangers to U.S. citizens, primarily the illegal importation of “dangerous and untaxed” products brought in by tourists. Subsequent interest from the U.S.Food and Drug Administration led to the investigation, discovery and closure of this venture…uhm, danger,” Fernando said.

He suspects that the tunnel was excavated by the Harrelson-Chong drug smuggling syndicate, or a similarly well established drug cartel. Enforcement officials worked through the night to evacuate the area of over two tons of marijuana, 113 hot dog and pretzel carts, 237 miscellaneous employees, 39 prostitutes, a physician drop-in clinic, and a law office.

Reached for comment at his two room lean-to on the fringes of Burbank, California, Tommy Chong said, “I dunno anything about it, man. Can you dig it? It’s totally a bummer though, all that weed goin’ to waste. Do ya know if it’ll be goin’ up for sale at the next government surplus auction?”

Four other tunnels have already been unearthed this month in the Tijuana-San Diego area, all by way of anonymous tips from ordinary people in no way affiliated with business or special interest groups.

Blair to his critics: I don't work for the CIA, I work for you.

…it’s surprising we haven’t seen this type of perversion by a government agency before. ~ Greenpeace

LONDON, England — Onlookers were puzzled Friday when a whale swam up the River Thames, eventually running aground near Parliament. Experts on the scene identified it as a Northern bottlenose.

“Frankly, I can’t fathom how it survived long enough to make it there,” a Greenpeace spokesman said. “The average life expectancy for a duck is about 12 seconds. Obviously, this whale was intent on making some sort of political statement.”

Critics of Prime Minister Tony Blair demanded an immediate inquiry into the misuse of marine life as covert transportation devices by the CIA. Blair was unavailable for public comment, but in a statement released to the press he was emphatic that “I love Wales, and would never compromise the safety of British waterways by allowing the CIA carte blanche.”

Witnesses, including people fishing for salvage and children playing “chicken” along the treacherous waterline, said that the whale appeared to be 20 feet long, not including the periscope, satellite dish, or battering ram.

“It looked more high tech than the rooftops at the BBC,” said Tim Howatt-Vine, a spokesman for London Eye, the large Ferris wheel on the banks of the river. “It was truly an incredible spectacle.”

On hearing the news, culture secretary Tessa “Irritable” Jowell commented “Maybe it just took a wrong turn looking for Twickenham.”

Television showed a men in black suits on the scene, confiscating recording equipment and escorting people from the area.

The Northern bottlenose whale is common to the North Atlantic and is notorious for readily approaching boats. Mature adult specimens can reach nearly 30 feet in length and weigh nearly 8 tons, providing ample cargo and cabin space to seat several persons comfortably.

“In retrospect, I guess it’s surprising we haven’t seen this type of perversion by a government agency before,” a Greenpeace spokesman said.