Tag Archive
Nut, housing shortage foments squirrel race war
MANHATTAN, NY — The clear-cutting of vast numbers of oak trees for the manufacture of beverage coasters, gear shift knobs, gourmet toothpicks, and other products vital to the stability of the North American economy has resulted in a shortage of available living space, and a corresponding reduction in the supply of acorns, a squirrel advocacy group said today. [...]
Litter a see is on Dee Kline expurtz say
OUKLUNT, CALIPHERNEA — Akording 2 a nashunul survay conduckted by the US Duhpartmint uv Edyookayshun, Ingglish litter a see among collige gradyooits has Dee Klined dramaticklee in the past 10 yeers. Onlee 31 per sent uv collige gradyooits 2day R profishunt in Ingglish litter a see, cumpaired with 40 per sent just a decayde ago. Theez findingz wur cunfirmd buy a [...]
Veganism as environmentally harmful as meat production, scientists prove
KEMPTVILLE, Ontario, Canada — Farting and belching by vegans is a key contributor to global warming problems, extinction of earth species, and a worldwide suicide epidemic involving Angus Beef cattle suffering from feelings of alienation and personal rejection, a climate change think tank warned today. The Centre for Vegan Bio-terrorism Research studied the relative emissions discharge of cattle, vegans, and “normal” [...]
Rolling Stones play for free in Brazil
It beats shivering on a cold bedpan watching Lawrence Welk, doesn’t it? ~ Rogério Budasz RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil — The yearly surge of elderly tourists attending Rio’s world renowned carnival began a week early this year, with the arrival of Rolling Stones, who were on hand to provide a free concert before a crowd [...]
‘Grandpa Munster’ Al Lewis undead at 95
I thought that cheesy Dracula outfit was just camp. ~ Lon Chaney NEW YORK (UNN) — Al Lewis, washed-up ex-television star of the 1964-66 program “The Munsters” died on Friday, for approximately 3 minutes. He was 95. Lewis, a frequent diner and the proprietor of the Greenwich Village restaurant, Grandpa’s, was attacked by an irrate diner [...]
Ex-Wal-Mart employee pleads guilty to fraud
Mr. Conklin was able to live a lifestyle that only the top Wal-Mart performers are able to attain… ~ Yosh Shmenge FORT SMITH, Arkansas, USA (UNN) — A “valued, part-time Associate” employee of Wal-Mart Stores Inc. admitted on Tuesday to stealing an estimated $5,000 in cheap Chinese-made merchandise from the world’s largest retailer. Tim Conklin, 67, [...]
U.S.-Mexico drug tunnel discovered
We were able to discover additional dangers to U.S. citizens, primarily the illegal importation of “dangerous and untaxed” products. ~ James Fernando San Diego, USA — Authorities reported today the discovery of a five-foot-wide underground tunnel that they believe to be the work of traffickers operating along the U.S.-Mexican border. In addition to providing adequate [...]
Whale swims through downtown London
…it’s surprising we haven’t seen this type of perversion by a government agency before. ~ Greenpeace LONDON, England — Onlookers were puzzled Friday when a whale swam up the River Thames, eventually running aground near Parliament. Experts on the scene identified it as a Northern bottlenose. “Frankly, I can’t fathom how it survived long enough to [...]
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This work by Todd Richard Lyons is licensed for use, distribution and remixing under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 2.5 Canada License (en français).