And hypothetically, even if she were, you probably wouldn’t win the bidding war anyway. Industry experts therefore recommend that you buy a cheap PC on closeout, use the money you saved towards the purchase of a high speed Internet connection, then sequester yourself in a locked room for days at a time to… well, we really don’t need to know.

History

The first processors that saw widespread consumer adoption were produced by the Cuisinart Corporation. These were largely self-contained units that did not rely on a computer. They did however include an attached plastic dome monitor, where the activity of the processor could be visually observed. Popular applications that ran on the Cuisinart included: coleslaw, shredded carrot, egg salad, and the ever popular milkshake.

While these processors did not suffer from the heat dispersal problems that current generation CPUs do, they were enormously dangerous. The primitive circuitry of the time did not distinguish between hardware and software, nor between artificial reality and real-world objects. Consequently, many thrill seekers — as well as the miserably ignorant — lost fingers, toes, and other dangly bits to the rotary processing might of those old machines. And before you ask, no pictures of the maimed are fit for inclusion here. Shame on you for even thinking it.

Technology

Promotional photo of the forthcoming Cuisinart processor, viewed from the ground. The manufacturer warns that some case modifications may be necessary. And remember: for a $50 rebate on your purchase, bring a copy of this article.

First generation processors were largely composed of plastic and stainless steel. Software was run at extremely high speeds (for the time), by the turning of a swirly-whirly rotary blade. Various buttons at the base of the unit allowed for user control, though it wasn’t always clear that the various modes produced distinctly different results. Historians have since surmised that the buttons were probably included to provide the appearance of advanced functionality, and to provide weak-minded simpletons something to play with. Not surprisingly, these were a near-instant hit, and are now also regarded as the first generation ancestors of the hand-manipulated controllers that are common to modern day PCs and video game consoles.

Beginning in the early 1980s, a miniaturization craze resulted in processors shrinking down to the size of a book of matches. Thereafter, they ceased to be self-contained units, and instead became separate pieces of the PC. In the newly designed computer case, the clear dome top was phased out along with the neat plastic rammer used to shove in the software. In replacing this with cases sheathed in sheet metal, much of the danger of lost dangly bits was eliminated, along with much of the fun of watching them go whirrr whizzz cha cha cha plub plub plub smush smush smush.

From 1981 onward, the number of fingers, toupees and penises puréed by misadventure dropped to near zero. Insurance companies heaved a collective sigh of relief. Doctors initially mourned, but soon busied themselves with spontaneous, anonymous sex with nurses, orderlies, candy stripers, comatose patients… anything really… while continuing to bill for deceased clients, and others that hadn’t been in for a check-up in years.

And meanwhile, the computer industry eventually devised other ways of amusing PC buyers — a neck-and-neck race between hardware capability and software upgrades. Processors continued to double in speeds every two years, double in width every 6 months, and double in height every 5 days (if you include the fan and heat sink). Which bring us to…

State of the Art

Because single core processors had enlarged to the point where they were in danger of consuming the entire footprint of a small bungalow, and the heat sinks were nearly as large as the air conditioning unit of an averaged-sized professional sports arena, the processor industry was in trouble. Then, one particularly foul-smelling but not-terribly-obtuse geek hit upon the idea of building upward instead of outward. Of course he was perched on the balcony on the 187th floor of his cheaply built company-owned condominium at the time, so it wasn’t exactly a stroke of brilliance out of the blinding blue. More like a stray thought as he grasped for his Tamagotchi, which rolled and plummeted down the 187 floor drop, where it cleaved a DHL Express deliveryman clean in two.

Happily, the struggling manufacturer was able to avoid a costly and potentially lethal wrongful death lawsuit when the deliveryman’s family found themselves far too poor to sustain legal proceedings against a multinational corporation. This was particularly true after the company made another killing, rolling out the next generation dual-core processor.

This was followed by the quad-core, and the octo-core. Not to be outdone by the company-who-shall-not-be-named, Cuisinart recently announced their forthcoming 1000 core processor — dubbed the kilo-core — which will undoubtedly be the subject of much debate, envy, and wet dreams for journalists, technophiles and other miscellaneous weenies for some time to come.

Defining Characteristics

The prima donna era can be described as the period of time when products largely succeeded or failed based on actual quality, rather than by their packaging. By extension it follows that written or recorded works like art, music, literature, and motion pictures also prospered by merit, rather than the personal magnetism or blatant sleaziness of the artist producing them. Gratuitous nudity, shock performances and risqué marketing strategies were poo-pooed in favour of more subtle methods. As an example, consider the advertising methods of alcoholic beverages.

Prima donna era — Subliminal imagery was embedded in printed advertisements. Usually, this took the form of hidden pictures of skulls or naked bodies within the light and shadows of the ice cubes in the beverage, the wallpaper of the room where the product was shown, or even in the eyes of the model holding the drink.

Postma donna era — A fully nude model would straddle the product, and appear to be gyrating suggestively with the bottle firmly clasped between her supple thighs. Pubic hair was airbrushed out and logoed coasters or bottle caps would be held or attached so as to barely conceal the nipples.

1981-1990: The Postma donna era

U.S. President Ronald Reagan preemptively dubbed 1983 “The Year of the Bible”. Too little, too late. Madonna released her self-titled debut album and teen girls begin dressing like cheap prostitutes. Not coincidentally. Vanessa Williams became the first pornographic model to be crowned Miss America (but later lost her title when it was discovered she was African-American).

Madonna released Like A Virgin in 1984. Commercial fishing operations saw record shortages of fishnet material as millions of wannabes strived to look more like their idol. Meanwhile, cows by the millions were converted into Happy Meals, with the leftover bits tanned and sliced into “Burn Troy” belts. Elsewhere, officials within the Catholic Church wondered how to tactfully explain to the public that acting “like a virgin” doesn’t entail the ability to cross both ankles behind your neck.

Madonna expanded her “Jill of all Trades” shtick with a brief appearance in the 1985 film Vision Quest, then followed up with a larger role in the cinema classic Desperately Seeking Susan. Later, after experiencing a traumatic lapse in public attention of nearly 36 hours, she accidentally mailed a number of black and white nude photos to Penthouse magazine. The stress of this mistake was such that she accidentally copied and mailed a second set to Playboy.

In 1986, the trend finally ended by her True Blue album, when she shaved her hair (yeah, like her daughter) and fall of western civilization was virtually assured by the release of the motion picture Who’s That Girl?. Religious scholars conferred on whether the convergence of musician, actor and porn star within a single individual was a sign of the apocalypse.

1991-Present: The Post-Whore era

It goes without say that the music market become oversaturated with other marginally-talented sex kitten bobbleheads: Samantha Fox, LaToya Jackson, Carmen Electra, and of course Vanessa Williams (deja vu?). But the lowering of the bar also allowed scores of even less worthy contenders a shot at fame.

In 1992, Paula Abdul used her fledging career as a choreographer to launch a second fledging career as a minor pop star. Undaunted by her poor voice and flabby body, she bulked up her studio recordings by having her voice doubled by talented backup singers. In videos, she hired overweight dancers and used state-of-the-art “picture-stretching technology” to appear lean and lithe (videophiles see: “Promise of a New Day“).

Madonna is also singly responsible for the dawn of the boy band: white-toothed, smartly dressed, and expertly choreographed stage art with pre-recorded music behind. Backstreet Boys, New Kids On the Block and *NSYNC, where would you have been without Madonna? Still selling jeans at tees at the Mall, only 10 years sooner. And Milli Vanilli? One year sooner.

And what hand did The Art of Being Something You’re Not have in the evolution of white rap and soul? Just ask Eminem, Mariah Carey, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. While they each owe some thanks to the Queen of Pop, they each also had to struggle in a way Madonna never did: looking at themselves in the mirror each morning , knowing they were living a lie, but not being able to throw on that black-face makeup the way Al Jolson did. And for that struggle, they’ve earned every bit of success in their own right.

“That proves it, doesn’t it? You said he was dead! It’s like Chinese food, this is. Half an hour later you have to kill him again!”

“I still shudder when I think about the warrior who came up behind me, and the thwacking he gave me with his pork sword.”

~ Noel Coward on Ecky-Thump

Ecky-Thump Master Dan Cruickshank demonstrates his skill, pictured at Rawtenstall Effluence Treatment Centre, Lancashire

Ecky-Thump (pronounced ehk-ee thoooomp) is an ancient and traditional martial art originating from Lancaster, Lancashire in Northern England. Similar but superior to Kung Fu in many respects, it utilizes long, fierce-looking Black Puddings in place of more inferior Eastern weaponry. Practitioners of the martial art are easily distinguished through their ritualistic flat caps and accompanying whippets.

History

Learned historians and fans of sausage generally agree that Ecky-Thump began to take form in 1611, in response to the need for townsfolk to defend themselves against the Lancashire witches said to live in Pendle Forest. Recent speculation has linked its development in part to the related martial art form of Ken Do’dd.

The complete antithesis of deviltry, the discipline of Ecky-Thump is an exercise in spiritual cleansing, moral purity, and beating the unholy hell out of the enemy by the deadly wielding of a blood-filled intestine. And unlike the haggis wielding Scotsman it is achieved without wearing a dress.

Ecky-Thump has long had a reputation for being a "black art" because of the terror that a skilfully wielded sausage can elicit in simple folk.

Teaching occurred under veil of secrecy, for fear of the sacred teachings being revealed to Satan’s minions, curious looky-loos, or just people trying to nick free sausages. The penalty for divulging the esoteric rituals to any enemy or non-believer, intentionally or otherwise, was to commit Harry Corbett.

Movements

The sacred black pudding elicits many curious movements from all different parts of the body. Learning to control and contain these movements leads to enlightenment through the rapid emission of unneeded material goods from within one’s core. Listed below are just some of the more well known manoeuvres that the Ecky-Thump master can use to protect both himself and his whippet.

• The Fatty Smash. This involves hiding behind a lamp post in the twilight hours. When an unsuspecting passer-by happens along, you should leap out screeching and smash your pudding down on their head before they’ve even realised what’s happened. Then run.

• The Full English. Simply serve your enemy a large breakfast consisting of pudding, beans, chips, tea, bread, fried bread, lard, fried lard, fried tea, fried beans, bacon, lard, fried lard, beans, pudding, mushrooms, eggs (fried), butter and marzipan. This will incapacitate them, allowing you to whack them over the head with a shovel and steal their whippet.

• The Eye of the Hovis. Distract your enemy with a small to medium sized brass band. They will be mesmerised by the music, and their feet will not stop tapping. Not until you stuff a pudding down their shirt front, anyway. If they get annoyed, have a ukelele handy for a cheeky song or two.

Ranks

While some martial arts utilize belts and others use sashes to confer rank, Ecky-Thump wisely utilizes sausages. These not only identify the skill of the bearer, but are also the possessor’s weapon:

Additionally, there is the High Priest Ee Bah Goom — Master of all Masters of the Black Pudding.

Competition

As weapons, traditional "throwing sausages" are both more elegant and more deadly than ninja-stars — even in side-by-side taste comparisons.

Rochdale, Manchester is widely acknowledged as the modern mecca of Ecky-Thump, being headquarters of its most prestigious training institution in the world, the Mystic East Fish & Chip Shop. Rochdale is also home to a number of the discipline’s most prominent Grand Masters, and the host of its biggest competitions.

The Battle on Primrose Hill

Each year, competitors assemble at dawn for a free-for-all mêlée. Not limited to adherents of Ecky-Thump, all-comers are invited to bring their cricket bats, baguettes, pool noodles, or walking frames, and fare their best against an army of blood sausage berserkers, until the heathen lay beaten down. Then, the remaining Disciples of Thump turn on the referee, and finally each other, until only one remains — the new High Priest Ee Bah Goom for the coming year.

The Battle on Benny Hill

Held every four years, the battle shares much of the same focus as the yearly Primrose Hill battle, though with a lengthy preliminary period which involves the competitors being chased by buxom, young wenches through parking lots, supermarkets, taxicabs, and green pastures, with accompaniment from the ancient folk song known as “Yakety Sax”.

Related Practices

The Chinese have also experimented with sausage weaponry, sometimes with miserable results.

Germany has a long, proud tradition of killing people with sausages. When they fought the Romans, the bravest German warriors were armed with fierce lengths of tube-steak.

In these early times, they only had standard sausages — consumer-grade meat freely available from any butcher. While this is completely laughable by modern standards of weaponry, it was very lethal at the time. Many were killed by German fighters, who stuffed the deadly meatflutes down the throat of many a terrified victim.

During the Napoleonic Wars the Prussian Hussars were armed with curved sausages about 1 meter long, and with each side polished to a sharp edge. During WWI and WWII, spies caught on German soil were executed by sausage firing squads. A heavily loaded cannon containing hundreds of mini Blutwurst, Bratwurst, and other specially selected local varieties was fired directly at the accused condemned. Spies were brutally torn to ribbons by the blunderbuss effect of the cannon blast.

But even during more peaceful times, average Germans have been hesitant to relinquish their sausages, owing to the amount of safety they feel knowing it’s there in the pantry, just in case. This has lead to problems with sausage control, leading to the implementation of a meat census by the German government, and eventually the meat licensing scheme that exists to the present day.

Death by sausage remains the preferred method of execution for traitors. The cannons have been retired for the more humanitarian “Bierschinken Beating” technique, where executioners wield specimens of up to 2 meters in length and literally beat the prisoner to death. Not everyone agrees with the curtailing of traditional ways by the law, and it is still not uncommon to find spies, traitors and other enemies of the state mysteriously dead, with sausages stuffed in every orifice.

A clarification

The fact that Robert Mugabe’s surname, written backwards, spells out Ebagum (Ee Bah Goom), is pure coincidence. Any rumours that Mugabe is a secret Ecky-Thump practitioner are completely false.

A typical Windows XP desktop.

Microsoft Windows is the collective name for a series of operating systems that began development in 1983, originally as a means of reversing the stagnation of the computer hardware market.

History

In the year 1981, Microsoft and IBM took the first steps of a relationship that would eventually dominate the personal computer industry. The marriage of Microsoft’s virtually bulletproof MS-DOS with IBM’s premium hardware was an instant success, and soon gave birth to a host of clone manufacturers who later became industry giants in their own right—Zenith, Heathkit, and Tandy, to name but a few. Also, they got pooped on by the original creators of Vista, evil aliens from the planet Nurdeh.

Unfortunately, the explosive growth had the side effect of completely saturating the slowly emerging market. While plenty of satisfied customers were happily number crunching with VisiCalc, many manufacturers—including IBM—were left with mountains of unsold inventory.

A number of employees, including those at Microsoft, were quick to hit on the concept of planned obsolescence.

“Just because we can build a computer that can run for 100 years doesn’t mean we should,” Steve Ballmer observed. “I mean, look—it almost fucking killed the light bulb industry.”

“True,” Bill Gates replied. “But these aren’t lightbulbs. The market will dry up and people will sue if we engineer computers that burn out after 1000 hours.”

It was Rowland Hanson, the head of marketing at Microsoft, who inadvertently hit upon the answer when he pondered aloud.

“It’s too bad we couldn’t make people so irritated that they’d throw their computers out of their windows,” he mused. “It’d be their own fault, and they’d have to buy a new unit complete with software once they came back to their senses.”

Without so much as another word spoken, it was understood by the whole room that Microsoft would begin the process of systematically removing all the improvements it had made to QDOS, the “Quick and Dirty Operating System” it had purchased from Seattle Computer Products in 1980 for $50.

And the name? Well… why not “Windows”? Let’s capitalize on peoples’ urges to throw their computers out windows.

Early on, there were a number of critics who suggested that the name “Windows” was a reference to the product’s fragility.

“I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it?” said technology writer Dick Hertz. “Like a window, it seems perfectly clear and simple to use, but it crashes with the slightest pressure, or sometimes breaks inexplicably.”

This speculation was largely curbed when Mr Hertz was found stabbed, burned, electrocuted, strangled, shot, and floating in the East River.

Gates refused to comment directly to the press about the incident, but though his press secretary he stated that the death appeared “accidental”.

Culture Shock

Tearing a page directly out of the Steve Jobs Book of Corporate Culture Creation—or perhaps it was the Jim Jones Book, no matter—Bill Gates printed up a scores of T-shirts emblazoned with the slogan “Style, not Substance” and set his minions to work. Their mission, if they chose to accept it, was to dial up the eye-candy while systematically rebugging the software infrastructure. It was a punishing endeavour. Writing bad software is easy. Writing software that runs like a gazelle but occasionally trips and falls and loses its memory, or collides in spectacular fashion with some unseen predator who devours it whole, lashes to limbs—is difficult.

Early efforts on test subjects yielded poor results, with participants eager to throw their computer out of the nearest non-ground-floor opening, but reluctant to visit Computerland for a replacement.

The code was subjected to ongoing peer-reviews—VFI, or Vote For Inclusion—with programmers choosing the bugs they liked best. Unexpectedly, it was not always the most clever or most well crafted coding that drew the most votes. Often, innocuous bits of writing that struck blindside by delivering an unforseen playload walked hand-in-hand with obviously chaotic monsters of destructive programming, and with stupidly crafted pieces of clumsy kludge following in tow.

As it turned out, this carefully selected blend of predictable error and random terror developed into something akin to the corporate secret sauce. By allowing test subjects to have an occasionally pleasant experience (provided that they took certain steps to avoid known pitfalls), they developed an increasing tolerance to the built-in mix of random hardware and software fault messages, and at times even blamed their own stupidity for the crash. Eureka!

So, before the Environmental Protection Agency was able to substantiate their half-baked conspiracy theory about some causal link between Microsoft and the sharp increase in the volume of silicon waste accumulating in municipal landfills, the problem was solved. People quit throwing their computers away and instead looked to Microsoft for answers. The name Windows was retained for marketing reasons, but also to remind programmers of the development imperative: make it look clear and easy to use, but easily breakable.

And IBM? They began their downward spiral into OS/2 and eventual takeover by the Chinese. It’s not like Bill hasn’t screwed people over before. Just ask that guy whatshisname from Seattle Computer Products. Or you could, if he weren’t under a legally-binding non-disclosure agreement.

Development

Longitudinal studies demonstrated that the error-tolerance and self-blaming observed in laboratory studies was short-term, and so the development team went back to the drawing board for further analysis. One look at the implementation illustration created by the marketing department, and their foolish error was immediately apparent. Software designers had created the rider and the stick, but had failed to produce the carrot for the donkey to follow.

The developers soon answered back by providing new software and a new service support plan:

• “Bug Fixes”— Translation: Code that was previously voted for and approved by the VFI panel has been subsequently removed by the VFR (Vote for Removal) panel.

• “Telephone Support”— Translation: Soak the customers for $3.99 per minute while reading chapters on “Reboot” or “Reinstall” verbatim from the book How to use Windows: New User Experience™. If that fails, direct them to Bug Fixes (q.v.) and hype the upcoming New Version (q.v.).

• “New Versions”— Translation: Creeping featurism has led to a not-dissimilar version of Windows that looks better and seems as though it might run better, but in fact has just introduced a new set of VFI’d bugs along with some cherished favourites.

• “Killer Apps”— Translation: Notepad, Minesweeper, Calculator, 3D Text screensaver, MS Paint, and the ubiquitous Solitaire.

Internet

Believing the Internet to be nothing more than a glorified Bulletin Board System, of use only to a handful of nerds, Gates and Company were latecomers to the browser wars. Their lateness not only cost them face, but threatened to return the product back to the dark days of stability. Worldwide communication meant virus and trojan alerts through newsgroups, file trading in illicit software (like patches and fixes), and worst of all, free troubleshooting by expert users during their free time free of charge. In short, with the Internet it had never been easier to ensure that a copy of Windows was running in tip-top shape.

Early versions of Internet Explorer were laughable, but by installing it by default with every copy of Windows, it offered the hope of re-establishing imbalance to the Windows line. The Windows Update website was eventually created to provide the illusion of fast access to the latest patches and updates, while actually continuing to pipeline the latest results from the VFI/VFR chess tournament.

Microsoft’s masterstroke was its eventual integration of Internet Explorer as the operating system’s file browser, and the wide scale use of DirectXS (later obfuscated as DirectX) technology. This not only provided users with direct access to the Internet from any window, it provided viruses and other malware with direct access to the user’s computer.

Again, Microsoft found itself lagging behind the leaders, this time without its own in-house Anti-Virus Software. But, as was the case with Internet Explorer, Microsoft developers used the extra time to carefully construct a truly attractive but sub-standard software package guaranteed to foster the cycle of dependence for many years to come.

All around the mullberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel; The monkey thought ’twas all in fun, pop goes the weasel. All around the mullberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel; The monkey thought ’twas all in fun, pop goes the weasel. All around the mullberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel; The monkey thought ’twas all in fun, pop goes the weasel. All around the mullberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel; The monkey thought ’twas all in fun, pop goes the weasel. All around the mullberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel; The monkey thought ’twas all in fun, pop goes the weasel. All around the mul— ah, screw it, you get the idea, right?

Just like the Jeep, the Internet, and the Furby, the ice cream truck was originally a piece of military technology developed for US government use, but subsequently adopted by commercial enterprise to schlep inferior and overpriced products to the masses.

Origin

No-one who’s ever heard one should be surprised to learn that the ice cream truck was originally conceived as an instrument of torture by the Germans—though few are probably aware that its use in that capacity is now strictly prohibited by regulations in the Geneva Convention and the UN Convention Against Torture.

Like the Trojan Horse of ancient Greek legend, the ice cream truck was designed to conceal a deadly payload with an innocuous appearance. It also owes a debt to Chinese water torture in that its initial effects seem harmless, and it is only with prolonged exposure that insanity and death by suicide or homicide appear obvious in hindsight.

Design Principles

(1.) Attract foreign combatants by a combination of lures.

• An innocent-looking, attractively painted box on wheels with slogans in the native language, promising sweet delights for very little money.
• Instantly recognizable music likely to elicit positive childhood memories of snacks and naptime.
• Tasty ice cream on a stick.

(2.) Sow community instability and political unrest.

• Foster dependence on the ice cream through the inclusion of addictive substances like “sugar” and “Red Dye #5″.
• Train government operatives (“Ice cream men”) to identify and exploit opportunities to create tension between the “Haves” and the “Have-nots”.

e.g. “What’s that? Not enough change? Well, if you don’t mind, please step to the back of the line and make room for some of these other customers, please.”

(3.) Promote development of mental illness.

• Limit the music played by the truck to the same 8 bars of Mozart’s “Eine Kleine Nachtmusik”, without pause, without fail.
• Gradually increase frequency from one sortie per day, to 4 drive-bys per hour (or more).

Sound familiar?

Testing

Early studies provided encouraging results, through some skeptics claimed it was impossible to measure the effectiveness of the trucks without having first established a baseline measurement of insanity within the communities where tests were conducted.

Deployment

World War II saw the first military deployment of ice cream trucks, with over 3,500 parachuted onto German-occupied soil between 1941 and 1945.  Sadly, the U.S. Military initially failed to take local tastes into account. For that error, and for the atrocious German grammar on the truck slogans, all of the 2,000 models initially deployed were easily identified as invaders, stolen by the Nazis, and converted for use in Hitler’s War Machine. The trucks proved lethal in German hands, resulting in a disastrous loss by British and Canadian forces in their attack on the German occupied port of Dieppe, France at the now infamous “Guerre de crême glacée”.

Their use in future incursions proved similarly futile. No ice cream trucks were deployed in the Korean War while American experts studied a number of flavours for their appeal to the Asian palate.

Later, the dismal failure of Chocolate Labrador-flavoured ice cream was blamed for devastating losses in Vietnam, and the program was shelved indefinitely pending a full analysis of the design.

Operation Just Cause

After an expensive study of the ice cream truck design failed to provide a clear answer, budget constraints necessitated cutbacks on ice cream, then later, ice cream trucks.

Left with only the loudspeakers, the U.S. Army pressed ahead in a mission to defeat Panamanian leader Manuel Noriega by playing “Slim Whitman’s Greatest Hits” outside the Vatican embassy in Panama City at an estimated 130 decibels. After “Yanni” and “Yoko Ono” also failed to draw enemy response, “Pop Goes The Weasel” was loaded and looped for 97 straight hours. Noriega surrendered unconditionally to U.S. authorities.

Play It Again, Uncle Sam

Since Panama, high volume nursery rhymes have become something of a standard in U.S. military action, with successful deployment in the Persian Gulf War and the War on Terra, as the following chart illustrates:

End of the Road

Ice cream trucks have continued to be toyed with by the U.S. government, though for the most part government involvement has been supplanted by private business. The only remaining ice cream social program still in operation is one begun by the Reagan Administration in 1982, where trucks were deployed back into economically depressed neighbourhoods to recoup welfare dollars by the vending of overpriced frozen novelties to the destitute. It endures as one of Reagan’s most enduring legacies, with all proceeds to the “Presidential Putt-Putt” slush fund, though for the first time in history it is close to deficit due to over-utilization by the Bush Administration.

“We don’t like their sound and ukelele music is on the way out.”

The British Invasion, more properly known as the Uke (pronounced yoo-kay) or UK Invasion, was an influx of ukelele performers mostly from the United Kingdom who became popular in the United States, Australia, Zimbabwe and worldwide. The classic Uke Invasion occurred between 1964 and 1966, but the term may also be applied to later “waves” of Uke bands that significantly impacted the global entertainment market.

The First Invasion

This instrument, stolen from Don Ho, later became Sid Vicious's axe when he purchased it from a pawn shop in Amsterdam, Netherlands in early 1976.

Though American TV show host Arthur Godfrey is generally credited for seeding US interest in uke music in the 1950s by playing ukelele between acts on his show, the full effects of this were not felt until the early 1960s.

The roots of the first Uke Invasion were sown with a sudden surge in the popularity of American ukelele music in 1962. It was in that year that Don Ho, the now-famous Hawaiian-American musician, moved from his native Kāne’ohe to Waikīkī, Honolulu and got a booking to play a night club called Duke’s. He was signed to a recording contract on-the-spot by company officials, and soon his music was everywhere by way of his multi-city tours and the bootleg reel-to-reel tape recordings produced by fans.

Meanwhile, scores of British teenagers were starting their own ukelele bands to copy their American heroes. They copied both the island musical style and the unique fashion of dress, including colourful shirts, festive leis, and grass skirts. British parents were incensed, which only served to fuel further rebelliousness within UK youth at the time.

Britain produced a few of its own ukelele bands, most notably The Shadows, but in general the impact on US and world record charts was negligible. It wasn’t until the explosion of The Beatles in early 1963 that the UK began its term as the innovator, rather than the emulator of popular ukelele music. The Beatles American debut on The Ed Sullivan Show on February 9, 1964, watched by what was then the largest television audience in history, signalled the beginning of a genre of ukelele greatness like the world had never seen before.

Unlike the instrumental uke groups that preceeded them, The Beatles could sing. Sadly, even with their voices and instruments amplified by microphone, it was difficult to hear their renditions of Ain’t She Sweet, Tiny Bubbles and The Cat Came Back over the screaming of crazed female fans.

With a string of imitators from both sides of the pond jumping onto the uke scene, American and British artists soon became indistinguishable from each other. By the late 60s island music began to decline in popularity, replaced by folk music offerings like “The Riddle” (a tune originally written in the 15th century):

I gave my love a cherry, that had no stone
I gave my love a chicken, that had no bone
I gave my love a ring, that had no end
I gave my love a baby, with no cryin’

Reaction to this was swift and strong, leading to unprecedented levels of drug use, psychedelic music, and acid rock, but ukelele bands would not return for some time.

The Second Invasion

While hard drugs provided some relief in coping with the folk music period, nothing was strong enough to contend with the horror that is now known as the disco era. A new music revolution was necessary. The Second Uke Invasion began in the late 1970s, and peaked in 1985.

The “punk uke” movement (now pronounced yook, because… Why the &@!#* should we explain ourselves to you? We don’t owe you a *&@#^% explanation! $%*#@$ you!) was characterized by a definitively dirty and non-commercial sound—the antithesis of the highly processed and formulaic dance music of the time. Bands like the Sex Pistols, The Clash, Stench, and Tiny Tim brought the ukelele to new heights (or depths, as purists would argue) by massive amplification, distortion, simple two or three chord songs, and angry lyrics. A side-by-side comparison of Don Ho’s 1965 rendition of Tiny Bubbles and Stench’s 1977 recording of the same, prove them to be virtually unrecognizable as the same song.

The Second Second Invasion

Tiny Tim, ukelele god, after "tip-toeing through the tulips" one time too many.

Unfortunately, punk uke did not reach the level of popularity that early uke had some twenty years before, but rather than wither away, a second second invasion appeared. Dubbed “new wave”, it was a completely original 80s pop sound. Bands like The Police, the Cure, and Culture Club, dominated the US charts with their friendly strumming and plunking, backed by a modern bed of keyboards and synthesizers.

All good things must come to an end, though, and with the decline and eventual death of American ukelele virtuoso Tiny Tim in 1996, many in the music industry chose to lay down the instrument permanently.

Never say never.

Executive Summary

Everything’s better on a stick.

Food on a stick

It is here that the on a stick phenomenon began, and for purists, this continues to be the mecca of stickdom.

“On a stick” was invented by… some guy, at some point in time. Not recently. It was some time ago. Does it really matter? It’s peripheral to the story.

The idea — possibly patented in 1189, if it makes you feel better to have some kind of date to cling to — was to place food and other items on a stick. Get it? Food that you would normally see on a plate — on a stick — making it much easier for Crusaders to literally eat on-the-run from beasts that held the Holy Lands.

Getting back to the story, the guy had these hot dogs that weren’t selling. Were there hot dogs in 1189? It might have been ice cream. It was definitely something edible, but not something that people were typically accustomed to seeing on a stick, let alone eating from a stick. And that’s just it, you see? The novelty. Yes, perhaps it was ice cream.

No…  no, upon further reflection it was  apples.

In any event, it turned out that people were really quite ensnared by the idea of eating candy from atop a stick, and that guy was somehow able to sell all his apples. They might have been candy apples at that. Do you care?

The choc ice

The urge to put ice cream on a stick is perhaps as old as all humanity, or if not all humanity, then at least the very old ones. Initially, ice cream was put on a stick in its pure state, but this led to a problem commonly known as “ice cream sliding off a stick“. The very worst nightmare, for any Victorian gentleman, was coming home with ice cream all over his trousers. In some cases it led to imprisonment without trial. So, ice cream on a stick fell in popularity, until…

…some guy came up with the idea of coating the ice cream in a smooth, crispy shell of delicious chocolate — perfect for bringing back memories of innocent childhood days swimming in dreamy pools of, well, something — possibly chocolate — possibly not. And so the choc ice was born. They were hugely popular… for a week, and then another problem was discovered. While most of the choc ice could be eaten in relative safety (as long as the correct protective clothing was worn) — the very last bit always fell off the stick. No matter how hard people tried, if they ate one half of the last bit, the other half would fall off.

That guy countered this problem by printing jokes on the sticks of choc ices, so that people could laugh off the crushing disappointment of having some of their food fall off a stick onto the ground. This solution, while novel, and brilliant, is also pretty stupid, as is generally acknowledged in the stick community. But there will always be a hero. A hero ready and willing to step up to the plate and keep on innovating until we get the damned ice cream to stay on the damned stick once and for all.

Information on a stick

It progressed very simply. They say that Necessity is the mother of Invention. Necessity must not have been terribly religious, because Invention has been the unwed mother of a lot of others since. Maybe she’s got a sexual addiction. Or it’s possible that she just uses sex to get love. A lot of good people make that mistake.

Whatever the story was there, some time later there were a group of protesters carrying signs, and marching around complaining about something. It might have been a labour dispute. Or possibly a civil rights issue. Maybe it was to protest the closure and pending demolition of the neighbourhood “Big Boy” restaurant (see how it all comes back to food?) in order to construct a new highway. Does it matter?

No. Not really.

Anyway, people’s hands were getting cut on the sign edges, and they were too low to the ground to be readable. Just then, someone shouted, “Hey! What if we put them on sticks?” And voilà, the protest sign was invented. Information suddenly became easily portable, and reversible, with messages on both sides of the sign. Not only that, but the extra leverage afforded by a stick-mounted sign made protest riots a lot more bloody… and more interesting to watch.

Today, protest signs are still the preferred means of communicating strike demands — they look great on television, just like the blood — though signs are far from being the only variation of this concept.

That nerd that you try to avoid talking to would probably love to tell you all about the USB stick he carries in his pocket protector that can dual-boot Windows XP and Linux from any computer with a USB port. But you should probably continue to avoid him at all costs.

Animals on a stick

Rabbits are great in the forest, but less so indoors. They have this irritating habit of hopping all over the place, chewing on important documents and furniture, and leaving their little pellet droppings everywhere. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, someone thought, “Hey! What if we killed it and mounted it on a stick?”

And so, taxidermy was born. Rabbits everywhere ceased hopping and nibbling on cherished porn collections carefully hidden under the desk in weathered cardboard boxes marked “income tax”, and began sitting alertly on mantelpieces worldwide, with metal rods carefully inserted into their rectums to prevent sagging.

Then, at some point, some other person noticed an attractively mounted squirrel paddling a canoe and thought, “Seems like a pefectly good waste of meat to me.” And he went on to develop and market the rotisserie. Was that Ron Popeil? He’s never spit-roasted a squirrel on an infomercial, but then the idea is to appeal to bland American tastes.

Did you notice how it all comes back to food?

Walrus on a stick

In 1923, the great Norwegian inventor and tap dancer, Thor Lingus, had the idea of putting walruses on a stick. Up to that point, walruses had not really penetrated the market sector for convenience foods, mostly because they preferred to spend their time laying around on ice floes, grunting and scratching. No one gets far in marketing if they spend all their time doing that — apart from Michael Bolton of course, but then he’s got unique hair.

Thor sent a team of walrus capturing experts to wherever walruses happened to live at the time. They brought some walruses back to New York and Thor set up a vending cart in Times Square. He had decided to use cocktail sticks because they are light, portable and allow customers to pick walrus from their teeth after the meal. When the consignment arrived, however, Thor realised his terrible miscalculation. All he had seen up to that point were photographs of walruses, and he had thought that they were much much smaller — about the size of a golf ball.

Still, Thor wasn’t a quitter. With the help of ten other people, he managed to get one walrus on a cocktail stick and sold it to his first customer for $100, which was a lot of money in those days. Soon, Times Square was filled with city folk all staggering about under walruses and a number of traffic accidents occurred as a result. The police were called and Thor legged it. The experiment has never been repeated, except with hot dogs.

So, in fact, walruses are not better on a stick. Ignore this entire section, and accept our apologies.

People on a stick

Stickin’ it to the man has been a popular pastime, particularly in the Middle East, since the advent of crucifixion. Sadly, dangling from the big “t” has fallen out of favour these last two millennia after some guy was wrongfully executed. A shame, really — about the decline in popularity.

Still, few would disagree that nothing looks quite as good on a stick than an enemy (or a framed facsimile) — be it a horde of voles or merely that guy who never has the correct change at the corner shop. Those few that do disagree, of course, will usually change their opinion quite rapidly once a stick is inserted. Within hours, you will have a bunch of new friends, and even better than that, you will always know where to find them.

In these days of enlightened plutocracy, of course, putting people on sticks is largely frowned upon. But back in the 1400′s — boy was it ever boomtime in stick town. Whole forests were turned into poles for human canopies. Perhaps the most notorious exponent of sticking it to ‘em was Vlad Tepes, the Romanian landlord and inspiration for the Dracula legend. Vlad would often put an enemy, some cheesy nibbles, cherries and marshmallows all on one stick — and then have a party.

Then there are pole dancers – agile young women who bring the fun of their sport to those who seldom see anything other than the inside of nightclubs. To hurl themselves around the pole at break-neck speed takes fine muscle tone, a sense of rhythm, nine inch platform shoes and a crisp twenty dollar bill. For an extra ten, the champion twirlers will flip themselves upside down on the pole as well. Good show! There you have it – good clean fun.

Other things that are better on a stick

• Cantilever houses – Built on hillsides overlooking earthquake faults in California.
• Carrots – Not as food, but incentive.
• Daredevils – Pole sitters are always popular attractions.
• Feet – Stilts are great fun during activity time at the rest home – helps to get that old heart a pumping.
• Flags – For obsessive patriot-types hung up on waving their symbol of worldwide oppression, double standards, and human rights violation.
• Pee – If you’re under 12, it makes a great weapon for scaring off icky girls and stuff.
• Poop – See pee.
• Sticks – A mutual improvement for all involved, sometimes called a tree.
• Stick Insects – That’ll show them.

Additional writing credit: Hardwick Fundlebuggy (Walrus on a stick, choc ice)

Life

Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton: Author ~ Politician ~ Incessantly drab, boring and awful wanker.

May the 25th of the year 1803 curtained under the cloak of a dark and stormy night, with rain falling in torrents—except at odd intervals, when it was given pause by the violent gusts of wind over the windswept steppes and blustery streets of Olde London Towne (for it is in London that the tale of our esteemed dramatist auspicates—by the event of his own birth, no less)—clattering along the loosened shingles of random housetops, and menacingly threatening and tearing at the meagre flames in the lamps that served as the lone mutineers against the inevitable plunge into darkness.

The spectre of death did spare young Edward that night, choosing instead to bide its time revelling and savouring in the sweet memories of its own iniquity—tasting in the wicked delicacy of past wrongs, much as one might remember fondly childhood expeditions to the sweetshop—from the lustful anticipation of savoury confections and sweet ambrosia just out of reach, to the unrestrained orgy of indulgence in sinful sensation of satisfied satiation.

End of days did come upon Edward’s father, signalled by an ominous knock on the door by The Reaper’s own scythe, delivered when Edward was but a child of four years, tearing from him depravedly the innocence that once dwelled within—leaving only wrath, but not the words to express it.

Come adulthood, Edward had been wrought into a tormented being of tangled neuroses, precociously predatory and given to fits of irrationally long and wandering prose—needlessly expounding intricacies beyond all reason, cause, or explanation—ostensibly from some inner perception of inadequacy and resulting need to feign superiority through tedious volubility and utterance, but perhaps more so to occupy a mind irrecoverably fraught with torturous guilt over unresolved loss.

Soon and with clarity upon him, he found ultimate purpose. Though bereft of elegant phraseology, good Edward did plod along in the ill fecundation of many an otiose tome with half-effaced characters, never encumbered by the pedestrian necessity of gainful employment, but supported in his wretched inutility by a modest allowance dutifully bestowed by his mother in supplement to his unenviable sales. ‘Twas at a book signing in May of 1827 that his future uxor Rosina Doyle Wheeler (1802-1882) did present herself, less by happenstance than by deliberate design, along with all the Bulwer-Lytton books she had ever purchased—indeed, in material possession of all the books that good Edward had ever sold—

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External Links

• Paul Clifford — The complete book by Baron Edward Bulwer-Lytton, courtesy of Project Gutenberg.

History

John holds an unripened kola nut: An original photo taken in the summer of 1889 by his children Sam 'n Ella Faecalshed.

In March, 1886, John Fecalshed was a poor dairyman in danger of losing his family farm. Pestilence had wrought illness within his herds and literally flooded the fields with diarrhea. Unable to afford to hire extra hands, the arduous task of cleanup became his own.

Exhausted from carrying many tubs of manure, Fecalshed lost his footing in a particularly large pool and fell in head first. He emerged soiled and smacking his lips. It was to become his first taste of success.

Early Production

After presenting samples of his new product (tentatively dubbed Fecalshed’s Fabulous Wonder Tonic) to representatives of a local merchant bank, he secured the necessary capital to create the manufacturing infrastructure. A vast network of irrigation pipes, run-off trenches, and fluid pumps directed the sticky confection to large storage silos where it sat for a period of 45-60 days (“It adds sweetness,” John later explained).

In those days John individually tasted each batch and hand poured each bottle. It was the mark of individual craftsmanship which quickly ensnared the public when it was offered for sale at the soda counter of Mustapha’s Bazaar & Emporium, in Newark, New Jersey on May 8, 1886.

Name Change

Cold, refreshing Fecal E.Coli. Always.

Customer accusations of tooth decay and stomach flu were leveled early on, leading to a formal investigation by the FDA (Fecal Drink Administration). While no criminal charges were laid, the product was temporarily removed from the market pending a name change “more accurately reflecting the true nature of the confection.”

Frank Lloyd Wright, then still a teenager, was a Fecalshed’s fanatic. Eager to assist, he submitted an original design. His beautifully calligraphed Fecal E.Coli logo was quickly adopted and trademarked, and the product re-branded. No royalties were paid, and Frank learned his first hard lesson about the nature of business.

New Coli” Formula

Unveiled in 1996, on the hundredth anniversary of the original, New Coli was initially greeted with lukewarm response.

“Warm…. nutty… definitely familiar tasting,” came The Washington Post’s review. But the public backlash that soon followed quickly erased any of the media’s positive press.

Among the changes were the substitution of porcine excrement in place of the original bovine, and the use of fresh ground kola nut in place of … “animal processed” nuts. To the untrained palette, it may not have seemed a significant difference, but to Coli fans, it was an outrage. Protesters swarmed the company parking lot with shouts of “We Want The Real Thing, Baby!” and placards reading “Coli Is Shit!”.

Management had no choice but to revert to the original formula (temporarily dubbed E.Coli Cola “Classic”). The new formula was disposed of, but at great expense. Not only did The Coca Coli Company have to eat the material and production costs, they had to purchase millions of medical-grade toxic waste bins to comply with environmental protection laws. Fortunately, prison labor was secured to assist with the actual burial of bins.

Colon Wars

It Is The Real Thing.

During the 1990s several new players entered the market, most notably Pepsi Colon, whose distinct taste rivalled that of Fecal E.Coli. Each side responded by releasing a new flavour, until before long the marketeers within each company had escalated the action into a full scale war. In quick succession The Coca Coli Company released Vanilla Fecal E.Coli, Chocolate E.Coli, Cherry E.Coli, E.Coli with Lime, and the less-popular Excrement Treatment Fecal E.Coli, and seemed to be about to win the war.

During the warm summer of 2002, Pepsi Colon released another new weapon from their marketing arsenal, and to date they represent the only serious contender rivalling Fecal E.Coli. That weapon was Pepsi Cillin.

The battle for Coli supremacy continues.

Art credits: RadicalX

Boiardi ~ Renegade General and instigator of the Franco-American War of 1982-2004.

Chronology

March 13, 1982

• A military force under the command of General Hector Boiardi (Italy) notifies the White House of its intention to launch an invasion of the mainland United States.
• US President Ronald Reagan puts the nation on alert and mobilizes all branches of the armed forces to create a defense perimeter and round-the-clock air cover.
• Italy brands Boiardi a rebel and a traitor and denies any affiliation with him. The Italian government offers its apologies to the US along with its blessing to act with extreme prejudice in killing Boiardi.
• Photographs are provided to US media.

March 27, 1982

• When no military strike is forthcoming, Reagan publicly declares the readiness of American forces at a national press conference. It is simulcast on all US television networks and distributed around the globe via satellite.

April 1, 1982

• Dressed completely in white, but still instantly recognizable, Boiardi appears on national TV demanding that US consumers purchase Italian exports. In particular, he recommends his own canned pasta suspended in cheese and tomato sauce.
• Reagan recalls all US air and ground forces.

April 2, 1982

• US Inspectors refuse an Italian-registered ship, condemning its cargo as contraband. The cargo in question is clearly labeled with the name and likeness of the Italian rebel leader.

April 5, 1982

• Boiardi responds with a propaganda campaign to garner public support and create mistrust of the US Government. Broadcasts conclude with the strangely disarming and pleasant ring “Thank Goodness for Chef Boiardi.”

Boiardi, shown in Chef attire, from a propaganda broadcast on US television.

April 10, 1982

• US Media reports that the Italian contraband has inadvertently fallen into public hands due to human error at several US Points of Entry.

April 13, 1982

• Reports begin to trickle in from US physicians that American citizens exposed to the contraband have developed an addiction to it. Youth are identified as particularly at risk. Major pharmaceutical companies publicly pledge their resources in search of a cure.

April 14, 1982

• Ralph Miller, computer scientist at MIT, reveals at a White House press conference that America is ready to respond to the threat with a weapon of its own. A new computer operating system, SpaghettiOS, has been deployed to locate the hidden fortress of Boiardi.

April 15, 1982

• Less than 24 hours after being deployed, SpaghettiOS successfully locates Boiardi.
• US and Italian forces move in to Boiardi’s position, but the hideout is already abandoned.

April 16, 1982

• In order to capitalize on the positive press generated by the success of SpaghettiOS, military experts propose the creation of a competing spaghetti, cheese and tomato product to meet Boiardi’s head on.

April 20, 1982

• Laboratory analysis of the Boiardi contraband to determine the nature of its addictive properties is inconclusive.
• A similar product is launched nonetheless, and US military includes its own disarming slogan in the broadcast: “Uh-oh! SpaghettiOs!” NBA Star Oscar Robertson agrees to make the pitch as a personal favour to Reagan.

August, 1989

• The war rages on without end, leaving many hands and faces stained red in the process.

November 19, 2004

• The US denies defeat but reports that the search for Boiardi is being called off, as he no longer constitutes a tangible threat to the American people.
• The competing formula is sold to a US soup manufacturer, but retains the original military title.