Gordon Downie's bed in the morning. That's his head squashed there next to last night's leftover fish.

The Tragically Hip is a self-help support group founded in 1983 as an oasis for sufferers of debilitating personal magnetism.

History of the Movement

Gordon the Conqueror

In 1982, Gord Downie was just another anonymous resident of Kingston, Ontario. Or at least he would have been, had he not been so inordinately cool.

Mornings were the worst, beginning with the process of extracting himself from the tangled limbs of female admirers who clamoured for the scant space of his king-sized bed on a nightly basis. At first he would go to great lengths to carefully slip out and away, like the loser in a game of Twister. But this could take hours, and most times would still result in two, sometimes three of his overnight guests waking up and pestering him with pleas for sex while he was busy shaving or brushing his teeth.

Practical consideration of the increasing demands on his time eventually prompted a more guerrilla-like approach.

One morning, Gord awoke in the familiar clench of female flesh, carefully surveyed the scene to ensure that everyone was asleep, then abruptly bolted toward the open bathroom door. Deftly he sidestepped the heads and bodies of those subjugated to sleep in the hallway, springing fluidly like a new recruit on a tire obstacle course.

Reaching his destination, he barricaded himself as best he could by locking the door and stuffing the crevice underneath with layer upon layer of maxi pads. Who had bought those? No matter. They adequately stifled the pitiful cries of the unfortunate souls who’d failed to be granted admission to the bed the night before.

Then came a tap on the shoulder, and Gord knew he’d lost. Phil, who’d been curled up in the bathtub was staring back at him. They’d had this discussion time and time before — try it, you’ll never know you don’t like it until you try it. Gord hadn’t the inclination to go down this road again. Grabbing a tension bandage from the medicine cabinet, Gord bound his amorous suitor at the wrists.

“I knew you’d come around,” Phil sighed, a Cheshire cat grin spreading across his face. “I just didn’t know you were so kinky.”

Seeing his chance, Gord dove headlong out of the bathroom window, never to return.

Streetlife

In retrospect, being homeless turned out to be a strategic advantage. While home games had facilitated the return of a dedicated fan-base night after night, life on the road was much quieter. Finding a sponsor willing to host him never represented much challenge. Like the Olympic Games, he had his choice of any number of contenders willing to go that extra mile to be selected.

Still, the street had its own education. He’d heard about others — men that were suffering the way that he was — men that had come face to face with their own irresistibility and felt unable to cope. There were men like Paul Langlois, whose French accent and roguish good looks made him something akin to Pepé Le Pew after a shower, shave, and surgical gland removal. Along with Rob Baker, Gord Sinclair, and Johnny Fay, the first incarnation of what would go on to be known as The Tragically Hip was born.

Modern Organization

The Tragically Hip provides non-professional, non-material assistance to those overwhelmed with their own wit, charm, and charisma, and the personal burden and societal obligations this entails.

Funded by a grant from The United Way, as well as the life savings of hoards of desperate single women minutes away from becoming spinsters, the organization has become widespread in Canada but failed to achieve much of a foothold in the United States. This isn’t a reflection of the program’s inferiority — quite the opposite. At this moment, thousands of US Analysts are working long hours whittling and watering it down to its most basic elements — as they once did for beer, foreign food, and health care — so that it closer approximates other American cultural staples. Failure to do so could maim, even kill, psychologically. Or so they say.

Treatment

Hip Therapy, as it’s known in colloquial circles, is vast, but here are a few of the major disciplines:

Sharing Circles

Social Networking

The peace of mind that comes from knowing that help is only a phone call away is almost beyond price. Whether you need a decoy to distract your captivated audience of admirers so you can escape, or just need a caring voice (or some reasonable facsimilie) to assure you you’re not alone, the buddy system works. With the right pairing it can also offer the unique experience of being fascinated by someone other than yourself — and for most members, this is the first time this has ever occurred.

On-line Support Groups

You would be amazed at the number of svelte, attractive, intelligent and financially successful people lurking in chat rooms on the Internet. Should you ever feel lonely and your designated buddy is busy staving off a small mob of his own, there is always a replacement available that meets the requirements of your singular calibre. (Because really, why should you go running to his aid when your own immediate needs are so much more personally distressing?) So dial up, login and logon to #HotAndUnder30, and make a new friend. For a few minutes or so. And should you ever have any doubt about that person’s authenticity, tell them to email you a picture. Most users are more than happy to oblige.

For More Information

Visit our website and one of our dedicated volunteers will be happy to assist you… provided that they’re not busy helping someone else, or preening in a mirror, or feeling sorry for themself, or just having an off day and not really feeling up to helping anyone else at the moment, in which case just try back another time.

Heywood Banks

Birth

Born under the name “Matthew Lesko”, Heywood was a child of the Great Depression of the 1940s. His father had lost everything after the Pearl Harbour Day crash of December 7, 1941, when attacks by Japanese fighter planes wiped out most of Hawaii’s financial district. Many years of poverty were to follow. Though times were tough, they imbued Heywood with an invincible sense of industry, as well as giving him his unique fashion sense.

Queer Eye for the Cheap Guy

To keep the family clothed, Heywood’s mother was forced to make due with whatever she could scrounge — from neighbours, garbage bins, and the quality control reject pile at the textiles factory. While the resulting outfits were often a clash of styles and colours, it beats being naked, as Heywood’s mother frequently needed to remind him.

Still, a typical outfit might consist of lime green trousers with an orange and purple pinstriped shirt, wingtip shoes, and slightly mashed sombrero with just a hint of washed-off puke stain. Oddly, coordinations of this sort tended to garner the attention of passers-by on those long, lonely walks to the soup kitchen. One particularly cheeky group of skid-row bums would save every bit of cardboard they could forage, just for the chance to hold up numbered signs rating Heywood’s daily ensemble, or Habillement du Jour. The bums never said what they used to actually write on the signs, and Heywood never asked. Thankfully.

But Heywood, for his part had some difficulty in adjusting to the constant attention about his appearance, and would subject his family to a daily barrage of questions:

• “Hey, would banks give us a loan if you got a second job and Dad got a third?”
• “Hey, would banks take us more seriously if you pretended to have no kids?”
• “Hey, would banks give us the old, dirty crumbly money at a reduced rate if we had nicer bills to trade in for them?”

After a time his mother quit calling him Matthew and dubbed him Heywood. The name stuck.

A Star Is Born

As a teenager, Heywood began to learn how to use the system to better himself and his family. But moreover, he gained a reputation on the street as a guy who knew where to get things, provided not too many questions needed to be asked or answered. By now he’d also grown accustomed to wearing rather outlandish clothes. While he’d sworn off them time and time before, his “customers” always expressed disappointment to see him dressed in anything understated, so his grey pinstripe wool double-breasted suits remained hung in the closet.

He capitalized on this gimmick, and on his reputation as a person with answers in creating his most famous outfit — the gaudy sport coat covered with question marks. And not only did he write off the cost of material and labour as a business expense, he pocketed the money that he would have otherwise paid to an third-party image or advertising agency by calling himself a “consultant” to his own business — paying himself for the concept and design then deducting that as a business expense as well. Then, because he’d recorded the money as being paid to a “Matthew Lesko” from “Heywood Banks”, he subsequently claimed dissatisfaction with the quality of the consultancy, and demanded an immediate repayment of the fee from himself, which he steadfastly refused to issue. He then fired off an angry letter to himself with an ultimatum, and when he did not receive a reply from himself within the 90-day window he’d specified, he debated legal action, before ultimately choosing to refrain from pressing charges. In the end, he reasoned, legal action was expensive and time consuming. He reported the money as a capital gains loss instead, but not before remembering to mail himself a check (in an amount totaling the advertising budget) as payment for agreeing to wear the gaudy jacket as a portable billboard.

In the then-emerging discipline of theoretical accounting, this was but a small step. But it was the first of many, much larger steps Heywood would soon take, before putting in claims for foot trauma, shoe and sock depreciation and replacement, worker’s compensation, podiatry surgery, physical therapy, and weekly reflexology for a period not to exceed two years post-accident.

Detour

After a lengthy investigation of Heywood’s accounting records, a panel of writers and academics deemed them “extremely creative and imaginative; from short works of science fiction to almost monumentally epic legendary tales … but most assuredly not legal”, and he was sentenced to 12 months in a halfway home in the ghettos of his native Hawaii.

Because his charges stemmed from financial entanglements, there was no prohibition on drinking, and most days Heywood could be found passed out on the lawn of the facility with a hollowed out pineapple drinking vessel inches from his open hand. The pungent scent of guava and mango perpetually hung from his sticky chin, and his room was littered with plastic cherry skewer swords and discarded miniature bamboo parasols.

He found some solace in plunking away on his ukelele and writing songs about how to claim verruca and athletes foot as personal dependents. When his correctional officer notified him that there was nothing sordid or illegal about either of these things — tasteless, yes, perhaps difficult to endure aurally — Heywood was elated. He made immediate plans for the future, and became a model prisoner, and was released 11 months and 3 weeks early for good behavior.

On The Road Again

Heywood began anew, in earnest, splitting his time between a day and night job. Most days, as Heywood Banks, he would busk down in the financial district, playing songs about deductible expenses, little-known government grants, and interest free loan opportunities in emerging business markets. At night, as Matthew Lesko, he conducted televangelism during the periods where airtime was cheap, and the only people still awake were unemployed schmoes sure to be interested in a book about how to get rich about actually working. Assuming, of course, they could read. But even if they couldn’t read, Heywood reasoned, that was still no guarantee he couldn’t make a convincing sale anyway.

While this may seem like two jobs, it wasn’t really. The songs and the books were essentially different mediums for the same material, and both were no different from the techniques he personally used in his old business. The trick, as he had learned from his Correctional Officer, is the difference between giving information vs. personally acting on it. And, knowing your audience.

Happily, in the God-Blessed nation that is the United States of America, there exists a segment of the population more than willing to get their information about taxes, credits, and other financial mysteries from a complete stranger. Moreover, they’re pleased to pay for the privilege of the information, willing to act on it without consulting an expensive professional, and blame themselves if anything goes wrong somewhere along the way. After all, it matters not the colour of the suit, nor the width or pattern of the tie, even if the aforementioned suit does have large punctuation marks on it, and the tie is one of those with the squeeze bottle hidden in the suit so that it can squirt water.

The point is, in the USA, if it’s for sale, it has value. And if it’s on television, it’s the truth. And if it’s for sale on television, it’s tantamount to the word of God Himself. Both God and Capitalism say so. And if that’s not the God’s honest truth, then may God Himself strike me down where I…

Conception/Inception

A soviet stamp depicting Linus Torvalds.

“Why yes, I am God. I just assume the appearance of a fat bastard so I can relate to the common peasant. Actually, just like everything else, I stole the idea from Richard Stallman.”

~ Linus Torvalds on himself

Though few are aware of it, Linus Torvalds — self-annointed King of the Free Software movement — is himself a product of free culture.

Early work on Torvalds began in January of 1969 in Helsinki, Finland. All production was done free of charge, using readily available biological materials and unskilled labour. Version 1.0 was released to the public on December 28, 1969.

System developers blamed the failure to meet the original 9 month project deadline as arising from bugs that thwarted primary programming efforts. Early partnerships failed to produce any usable code. However, a concerted group effort finally produced a viable Torvalds after a month-long bug squashing party later dubbed “March Madness”. Though successful, it made it difficult to establish which programmers could claim responsibility for actual parentage.

Torvalds, the first open source project programmed with both the freewill and the (highly controversial) hahamypowerisunlimited subroutines, eventually broke free from his creators and infiltrated the United States by exploiting the gaping holes in network security common at the time.

theft@work

“I worked very hard on creating a name that would appeal to the majority of people, and it certainly paid off: thousands of people are using Linus …er, Linux just to be able to say ‘Windows? Hah. I’ve got Linus!’ Uhm, Linux.”

~ Linus Torvalds on Linus/Linux

Torvalds: Squatting on capitalism.

A self-appointed leader, Torvalds publicly refers to himself as a benevolent dictator who will abdicate “the day people think Linux would be better served by somebody else”. However, it is common knowledge that he left the severed head of a carrot in the bed of the last person who dared challenge him for authority.

Torvalds coordinates his erosion of the free developed world with the assistance of a shadowy group of hackers, who communicate only by email and develop their offensive, anti-capitalistic venture on company time. Representatives of IBM and Hewlett-Packard vehemently denied this, but an inside source provided information that a number of top executives had received anonymous letters containing carrot greens.

Torvalds and his rogue developers also use a software development technology called git, though it is widely rumoured that none of the Torvalds group actually know what the name stands for or how the software works, but are afraid to ask for fear of being called… well… “stupid gits”.

Not In My Back Yard

“Which mindset is right? Mine, of course. People who disagree with me are, by definition, crazy …until I change my mind, when they can suddenly become upstanding citizens. I’m flexible, and not black-and-white.”

~ Linus Torvalds on himself

The Government of Finland has publicly stated that Torvalds is not a citizen of their country, and that the widely held belief that he is a Finnish programmer stems from a misprint in a 1992 article by journalist Dick Hertz which appeared in The San Francisco Chronicle.

Officials argue that the correct article text was “finish programmer”—a reference to Torvalds’ tendency to do little actual work, but show up at the last minute and take credit for everything.

Ongoing controversy rages on that Linus Torvalds did not, in fact, invent Linux, but simply programmed himself into it as a Low-Level Device Driver. This seems to be verified by even casual observation, given the bloated nature of the kernel, which like Torvalds himself expands ever-larger year after year.

WILL cause drowsiness.

Garrison Keillor or simply GK is a commonly available sleeping aid, derived from N-pr-odiazepine, and marketed under brand names Lakewobegonium®, Prairiehomecompanium® and Writersalmanacium®.

History

After making cookies this is what he does. A highly effective sedative, the effects of GK were first observed in the early 1960s in small test runs at the University of Minnesota, until alcoholic beverage industry lobbyists successfully had it re-classified as a controlled substance. They were able to establish GK’s damaging effects to campus social life, including spontaneous loss of consciousness, premature bedtimes, increased hours of sleep, and dangerously low blood-alcohol levels in co-eds.

GK was also implicated as the cause of recurring bouts of poetry which plagued the campus during that decade, though it was later deemed impossible to determine how many were infected by GK compared to other homegrown substances that were circulating concurrently.

Uses

With its anxiolytic, anticonvulsant, sedative, skeletal muscle relaxant and amnestic characteristics, GK is an effective treatment for anxiety, insomnia, and curing certain common addictions, most notably country music listening, singing fish collecting, and stock car racing appreciation.

Over the years, psychiatrists, radio program directors, and military strategists have discovered many new off-label uses for GK, including:

• As a post-invoice “chaser” to soothe irritated customers.
• Cheap and pallatible “filler material” to consume airtime where no commercial spots were sold.
• As a mass-hypnosis device, broadcast from mobile audio vehicles to lull the enemy into a state of placidity.

Physical Properties and Pharmacokinetics

GK is most commonly dispensed aurally. Recipients describe the sensation after ingestion as one of initial relaxation, followed by increasing confusion and lethargy (“like walking in a fog”). High or prolonged doses are generally not lethal, though they inevitably cause subjects to pass out.

Aurally, GK is rapidly absorbed and has a fast onset of action. Most are subdued within 1-5 minutes, which accounts for the specially-designed dosage of concentrated variants like Writersalmanacium®.

GK is also available in tablet form, though it is quite large and most characterize it as “a tough pill to swallow”. In solid form, rectal delivery of GK in suppository form is preferred.

Side effects

GK has a range of side effects, confirmed through longitudinal studies. The most common ones include:

• A depressed affect, with long-term users often speaking in a monotone drone.
• The development of female characteristics (in males), including heightened need to express feelings, and enlarged breasts (possibly water retention, but possibly not).
• Susceptibility to bouts of poetry, including the especially virulent blank verse strain (BVP). Illness is usually acute, but sometimes terminal, with the worst cases given to emoting publicly at bookstores and open mic nights at cafes.
• The desire to write (and often self-publish) prose, regardless of ability.
• A tendency to hijack conversations containing the mere mention of any given cultural reference, with a long and ponderous story. Extreme cases of this are often separately diagnosed as sufferers of “Paul Harvey’s Disease”.
• A strong desire to sing, despite an obvious lack of musical talent.

Addiction

Like other sedatives, routine users of GK (especially for insomnia) may find themselves with physiological tolerance or psychological dependence. At particularly high risk for GK misuse, abuse, and dependence are:

• Patients with a history of literature abuse or dependence, especially “bathroom readers”.
• Shut-ins, or other socially isolated people.
• Frustrated writers and poets, desperately hoping to hear their name or works mentioned.

Withdrawal

After prolonged exposure, GK should never be stopped abruptly. The aural dose should instead be lowered gradually, over a period of 2 to 4 weeks, in order to minimize withdrawal symptoms.

Users of Lakewobegonium® or Prairiehomecompanium® should try to cut down usage to bimonthly, then monthly, while using Writersalmanacium® daily, only as needed.

Rock Hudson - If he was gay, he would've been named "Steel Magnolia" or something.

Rock Hudson (November 17, 1925 – October 2, 1985?) is an American actor, famous for his manly, lumberjack appearance and an unwavering masculinity that makes sissy-boy Johnny-come-latelies like Vin Diesel look like tea-tray boys or beauty parlour estheticians in comparison.

Biography

By special arrangement with Almighty God Himself, Rock Hudson was born “Roy Harold Scherer Jr.” in Waukegan, Illinois. He was originally to be delivered in Winnetka, Illinois, but didn’t like the sound of the place. Too tinny. Try it yourself. “Winnetka.” See? Tinny. Now Waukegan, there’s a good, woody sounding name. WAH – KEE’ – GUN. No question, it was the right choice.

He wasn’t particularly keen on the name “Roy Harold Scherer Jr.,” but God wouldn’t budge on that. Still, you’ve got to admire anyone that can haggle with the Supreme Being over their designated birthplace. Such was the pull that the man had, even in his pre-foetal stage.

But, the name “Scherer” continued to be a source of irritation for the boy. It reminded him of sheep, and for whatever reason, he didn’t want to be reminded of sheep. So, at the age of 7 he challenged his father to an arm-wrestling match over custody rights. When his old man picked himself up off the floor, sobbing like an effeminate coward, he was forced to grant Roy his freedom.

Rock Hudson with a moustache (which gay men never have), standing next to a woman. One of potentially thousands of such photographs of him with women that we could have shown you, so don't think that this is the only one or something, because there's more where this came from.

While shopping for new, potential parents, Roy experimented with a number of names. Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald were early contenders, but eventually dismissed because they sounded “too gay”. He was later adopted by the Fitzgerald family, but elected to keep the name “Roy”.

After being discharged from the United States Navy, an experience he would later say changed him forever — though he would never specify exactly what that meant — Roy acquired a Hollywood audition and landed a tiny role as a Seaman in the 1948 submarine epic “Yoo Hoo Under the Big Blue”. However, his agent was concerned that Roy’s image might be perceived as “too Irish”, so Roy changed his name to “Rock Hudson” because some flaming queer had already got dibs on his first choice, “Mountain Pacific”.

Rock met Douglas Sirk, a director of “women’s pictures” — so-called because they were classic love stories constructed with romantic archetypes. Hudson, who one anonymous industry giant once estimated could make a woman moisten her knickers from a range of half-a-mile, weather permitting, was for all intents and purposes, the leading man archetype.

It was to launch a stellar film career for Hudson, who went on to star in a series of classics including the unforgettable 1957 picture, “A Farewell to Arms” written by his close friend, father figure, and cycling partner, Ernest Hemingway.

Rumours

According to his publicist, Hudson was the subject of a number of startling rumours, particularly in reference to his sexual behaviour. These were quickly quashed at the time, owing to the need to protect the studio’s investment in his career.

Rock Hudson kissing Doris Day - For the love of God, what more proof do you need?

Some of the best substantiated stories relate his numerous visits to fraternities (or is it sororities… never could keep those straight)  like Alpha Delta Phi (ΑΔΦ) — which Rock purportedly called “Sordidities” or even “Sodomities”.

Without going into unnecessary detail, it can be safely said that Rock paid each of the students a personal visit in turn, providing them with complete satisfaction, in alphabetical order so as to avoid any cries of favouritism or queue-jumping.

Health

Years of cigarette smoking, heavy drinking, marathon crocheting, and gang-bangs with packed rooms of sweaty co-eds left Hudson an utterly spent, but satisfied man. However, it also left him with liver cancer and greatly affected his appearance.

As a personal favour to friend Doris Day, Rock agreed to speak out about another emerging health issue, the AIDS virus. With no reason to believe that his legendary virility and utter sexual domination of women could ever be called into doubt, Hudson began educating the public about the risks of promiscuity. According to his publicist, this was completely taken out of context and gave rise to the completely false erroneous unprovable idea that Rock Hudson was actually gay, and that the fraternity/sorority college organization he’d allegedly been fooling around with was actually filled with attractive, sweaty, willing, morally ambiguous young men.

When, in 1985 Phil Donahue (“That bitch!”) challenged Hudson to take an AIDS test to prove his masculinity, Rock readily accepted. When the results came back positive, it looked as though the gay rumours might be true after all, until Hudson announced in a late press release that he’d contracted AIDS from multiple blood transfusions he’d received for a heart bypass, penis reduction, face lift, and tummy tuck.

“Death”

Rock Hudson with a woman. Well, she's gone, but she was there. She's just camera shy. And needed to powder her nose. She's probably even married, and didn't want her husband to find out.

After a tête à tête with his laywer Maury Shyster (also not gay), then a one-on-one with his agent Isaac Teivel (just pillow talk), and finally a managerial ménage à trois with the both of them (strictly to discuss his career), it was decided that it would be best for Hudson to spend at least one year dead — for tax reasons, and to see if inaccessability would lead to increased demand.

Don Ameche, Hume Cronyn, and Wilford Brimley saw their chance to corner the “old guy from that movie” market by starring in “Cocoon” in 1985. Meanwhile, Pat Morita was raking in money hand over fist in “The Karate Kid”, Part I and II with his “wax on, wax off” shtick. William Shatner and his posse of typecasts chimed in with “Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home”. By the time Rodney Dangerfield appeared in “Back to School” in 1986, it was all over but the shouting — the silver screen was already too saturated with silver hair.

While special interest groups continue to claim that Hudson died a martyr’s death, Hollywood insiders know the truth — the man’s just being difficult. After being given numerous opportunities to re-establish a career, his excessive salary demands and need for complete creative control has resulted in a number of near fatal ends to high profile movies:

“Amtrak to Hell”

A man finds himself hostage on a train that will explode if the speed drops below 50 MPH. He seizes the opportunity to push his annoying mother from the passenger compartment and claim it was an escape gone wrong. Script later split into two parts and released as: “Throw Momma from the Train” (1987) starring Danny DeVito and “Speed” (1994) starring Sandra Bullock.

“Driving Mr. Darby”

The touching story of a cantankerous old Jew who lost his driver’s license after hitting too many trees, and whose only friend is a black chauffeur only there because he’s paid to be. Rewritten as “Driving Miss Daisy” (1989) and starring Jessica Tandy, and later reprised with a male lead by Billy Joel.

“The Check’s In The Mail”

Geezer on social assistance decides to address his food crisis by inviting his neighbour over to dinner, as the main course. Rewritten as “The Silence of the Lambs” (1991) and starring Anthony Hopkins.

Oscar Ferdinand Mayer. Born: 29-Mar-1859. Died: 11-Mar-1955. Cause of death: Congestive heart failure, clogged arteries, and various STDs (sausage transmitted diseases).

Early Years

Not surprisingly, Oscar Mayer was born in Bavaria, Germany, the hotbed of tubular meat since the first ancient butchers looked down at the rubble of discarded organs and miscellaneous shavings at their feet and pondered, “How can I sell this?”

Like most Bavarians, and indeed like most young boys worldwide, young Oscar’s fascination with the wiener began early in life. Beginning from the age of two, it was not uncommon for Oscar to spend many hours of solitary amusement, playing with his meat. His parents, a progressive couple highly influenced by the teachings of Dr. Maria Montessori, allowed Oscar a wide berth to explore and develop his natural abilities.

While, strictly speaking, he never developed prowess as an athlete, he was given to participating in long “marathons”, the likes of which would probably draw curious onlookers and perhaps a few enthusiastic spectators, but also the attention of the police were he ever to have performed them publicly.

At the age of 14, Oscar moved to America after the family grocery business failed. As it turns out, even in a liberal society, there is a limit as to how much frankfurter fondling is considered acceptable. Customers were so skeptical about the handling and travel history of the items for sale in the Mayer family store, they eventually deserted completely.

Oscar worked in a number of butcher shops in Detroit, but was fired in each case for a variety of reasons, among them knocking the knackwurst, slapping the salami, slamming the ham, choking the chicken, and pounding the pepperoni. As had happened in Bavaria, eventually his reputation became too great, and no one would hire him.

In 1876, he moved to Chicago but his obsessive pork play again landed him in trouble, first with Armour Meat Packing Company (“We’re concerned about what you’re packing, and where…”) and later the Kohlhammer Meat Market (“Go hammer your Kohl somewhere else, thanks.”).

It was a chance meeting with his Cousin Siggy in 1892 that would change everything.

Symbol of Power

Sigmund Freud’s knowledge of symbolism was great, and in the course of analyzing Oscar’s dreams and his life-long obsession with tube steak, Mayer reached what can only be described as an epiphany.

Thereafter, Oscar pushed away his need for childish meatplay and instead sublimated his creative energies into producing the greatest sausage mankind had ever seen.

Along with his brothers Gottfried and Max (themselves recovering headcheese addicts), he opened a small butcher shop and renamed it “Oscar Mayer and Brothers Company”, specializing in sausages. In short order, he distinguished himself for producing biggest, firmest, and juiciest meatlogs that Chicago had ever wrapped its lips around.

In 1929, Oscar Mayer became the first company to identify their sausages with a trademark package: a clear plastic sheath with a bright yellow ring around the shaft.

Early advertising slogans were crude and homegrown: “A sheathed wiener is a safe wiener” (1929) and “Oscar Mayer: Plastic-wrapped for your protection and pleasure” (1931). Still, people seemed to get the message and sales ballooned upward and remained firm while competitor sales turned flaccid.

Dawn of the Wienermobile

Built by Ford, Inspired by Freud.

One of Oscar’s proudest achievements, and indeed the one most incarnate of the powerful and symbolic dreams he’d shared with Cousin Siggy all those years ago, was the erection of the first Wienermobile.

Measuring an impressive 13-feet long, it never failed to elicit gasps of surprise and cooed vowels of appreciation whenever it popped out unexpectedly, sliding gracefully down the street to the delight and shock of passers by.

Still bound by Mayer’s need to erect ever-larger and more eye-popping products, the Wienermobile was replaced and supplemented over the coming decades by newer and increasingly longer models.

Later Years

Mayer retained a firm grasp on the head of his company’s board of directors until the very end. Under his skilled handling, his meat operation was stimulated to ever greater lengths of achievement and unprecedented public exposure, until his arrest death in 1955.

“He had the magic touch,” lamented Elleva Schlong-Gobbler, head of Quality Control Testing.

At his request, he was run through the meat grinder in lieu of cremation, then stuffed into the longest sausage skin ever commercially produced (417 feet). Traditional burial was impossible, so his remains were butted up against the decorative stone edging along the memorial gardens, then marked with a really long plaque.

Presently, Oscar Mayer is a subsidiary of the Altria Group, formerly known as Phillip Morris and traded on the DAX in Frankfurt. It is a fitting partnership, given both firms’ long experience with tubular products for oral delivery.

Today, “Oscar Mayer®” continues to reign supreme as one of best-known names in the meat industry, and meat packing plant floors have never been cleaner.

Fozzie Bear

The Early Years

Still erroneously believed to have been the sole handiwork of famed muppeteer Jim Henson in 1975, Fozzie was actually born in 1972 to loving parents “Bonzo” and “Rosie”, a pair of Curly-Coater Retrievers. Fuzzy was purchased from a newspaper ad, and became the cherished pet of the Henson household.

Tragically, Fuzzy escaped the house one morning, and as he was chasing a butterfly through the tall grass of a neighbour’s yard, found himself under the cutting deck of a riding lawnmower. The local veterinarian was able to save Fuzzy’s life, but the accident left him horribly disfigured.

With the Children’s Television Workshop only a car-ride away, Jim raced to construct a new skin for his little puppy. He worked feverishly into night, drawing a rough sketch of a new puppy outfit onto onion paper, then cutting, sewing, and decorating the faux fur epidermis, before finally stitching it closed around little Fuzzy’s body. The result was crude, but Jim’s technique improved remarkably with the remakes that were required as Fuzzy grew from a little pup to an 80 pound adult dog. However, as Fuzzy’s nose had been irrecoverably damaged in the accident, the final costume looked more ursine than canine. Thus, Fuzzy the Bear was born.

The Muppet Show

Amidst cries of nepotism, and doubts over whether or not a 3 year old bear was subject to any restrictions under the child labor laws, Fuzzy (under the stage name “Fozzie”) began his first role in what would become a long and enviable career (by Hollywood standards).

Once the early complications were solved, like walking upright, Fozzie actually proved to be superior to his synthetic co-stars. A voice-over artist was still required to provide his dialogue, but Henson realized great financial savings in needing one less puppeteer on staff. The Screen Actors Guild was extremely displeased with the whole affair, and threatened a walkout by the cast, but in the end it was agreed to offer Fozzie a SAG membership in recognition of his undeniable talent.

The Later Years

Looks harmless enough. You'd never guess he'd threaten to murder another bear's family just to secure a role as the corporate lackey for a laundry product manufacturer. But that's the lure of money and power for you.

After the cancellation of The Muppet Show in 1981 Fozzie hit the streets in search of work. He was optimistic about landing another role, or possibly even doing some voice-over work, having invested some of his earnings in getting speech therapy and ESL (English as a Second Language) education between filming seasons.

However, as a 9 year old canine in a bear suit (63 in human years), Fozzie found it enormously difficult to find niche roles. The standup comedy circuit was similarly unforgiving. On the heels of much more racy comic greats like George Carlin, Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy, Fozzie’s “Wakka wakka wakka” routine was unpalatably tame.

He auditioned for a number of jobs doing voice characterizations for animated features and other puppet shows, but was largely shunned by an industry that feared his ultimate loyalties. Fozzie’s long affiliation with Jim Henson Entertainment had created “credibility problems” and made it only too believable that his real motive in working for other companies was industrial espionage.

Fozzie enjoyed marginal reviews as a ventriloquist, but was ultimately forced to quit when he was unable to find a suitable dummy. Middle-class America was incensed by his initial use of a human marionette, charging that it demonstrated his underlying animal need to dominate his human owners and employers. Later, when he used a miniature bear doll, animal rights groups accused him of promoting animal captivity and slavery—all the more despicable given his own history of exploitation by The Henson Company.

On the advice of his agent, Fozzie sought cameo appearances in television commercials, with his ultimate goal to become an official spokesman for a large “bear-friendly” corporation as a way to retire comfortably in the twilight of his career. Sadly, he suffered a number of devestating disappointments. In his own words:

“You know Snuggle? That fluffy white bear from the Snuggle fabric softener commercials? He’s nothing like his image on TV. He’s bitter. Hardened. A cutthroat individual, albeit a consummate performer. Some say he wanted the role more than I did. I say I wasn’t willing to lower myself to do what he’d do to get it…”

Fozzie was laid to rest in 1984. The small, private ceremony was attended by a handful of his closest friends, and even two of his harshest critics, Statler & Waldorf. Alleged to have died from natural causes, Kermit the Frog suggested in the eulogy that Fozzie had died of a broken heart, received from a world too harsh to accept his gentle, homespun humour. Those in attendance were grief stuck, with most unable to provide any comment to the reporters on hand. Beaker, one of the few who did speak, could only mutter “Mi mi mi mi…” before being overcome with tears, and unable to continue. Subsequently, Professor Bunsen Honeydew asked that the guests be allowed to mourn in peace.

Fozzie was buried in an undisclosed animal cemetery in rural Indiana, under a tombstone bearing his birth name.

"A true pilot must of necessity pay attention to the seasons, the heavens, the stars, the winds, and everything proper to the craft if he is really to rule a ship."

~ William Shatner (excerpt from TekRepublik p. 487)


William Shatner is the de facto philosopher king of the Utopian nation of Canada.

His wit and wisdom became intrinsically intertwined with his generation, and with those that followed; not by any political coup or other terrorist act, but rather through dramatic extensions of his own personality played on stages the world over. But mostly on television.

Often the object of ridicule by those intimidated by his characteristic oratory style, Shatner responds to critics thusly:

My. Only intention. In. Speaking this way. Is. To. Make absolutely sure. That. You! The listening audience. Are. Able to. Hear my words! Clearly.

Shatner on Relationships

• “I love women. I also derive a great deal of pleasure from horses and dogs…”
• “As much as I love the cast of Star Trek – you can’t put a saddle on Jimmy Doohan! Well… not twice, anyway.”
• “You really don’t know what loving is, until you’ve gotten it from some chick wearing green body paint and plastic antennas!”
• “No, I don’t regret anything at this point. That may change on the next phone call, but at the moment I don’t regret anything. (Aside, to his secretary) Hold all my calls.”

Shatner on Literature

• “I enjoyed reading all the classic authors like Edward Bulwer-Lytton, Ann Coulter, and Madonna.”
• “I used to be quite an avid science fiction reader. I haven’t done much of it of late, and the reading I’ve done has been other things. Like whatever chapters my ghostwriter is—uhm, like the chapters of my new ghost story I’m working on.”

Shatner on Railway Transport

• “We apologise for the delay. The 10:54 to Nuneaton is due to arrive on Platform 6 at 11:03. Thank you for your patience.”

Shatner on Star Trek’s Captain Picard

• “Pansy.”
• “I’ve had him.”
• “The advantage of being taller and then making love to a bald man is the pleasure in being able to see my self reflected off his head.”

Shatner on his Music career

• “I had no idea of humour and self-deprecation those many years ago, so I took a very serious approach on The Transformed Man. Good, bad or indifferent – it didn’t work because the cuts were too long, not because I can’t sing. I can sing. Can I sing to you now? I can, you know.”
• “I’ve got rock ‘n’ roll in my blood.”

Shatner on Acting

• “If you make a fool of yourself, you can do it with dignity, without taking your pants down. And if you do take your pants down, you can still do it with dignity.”
• “Captain Kirk has been a source of pleasure and income for a long time. You’d be surprised how much work a guy can pick up doing stag parties and working his phaser.”
• “Rock Hudson was a man who did very much what I do on a set, and that is, he comes down and he does his job, and then he goes back to his dressing room and tries on a few négligées and makes pouty faces in front of the mirror .”
• “Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan”
  (This quote will normally go on for about another 4 pages or so, but we’ve edited it down to conserve space.)

A second campus, Pirate University Tampa Bay, opened in 1976—on the 100th Anniversary of the Institution—due to the renewed interest in organized depredation, though for the purpose of distinction their graduates are known as Buccaneers.

Founding

Pirate University was originally a training camp established in 1876 by Oswald Rice, in response to the diminishing number of pirates worldwide. For lack of a better plan, Rice visited the local chapter of the YMCA in search of a few good men for his new venture.

Fortunately for him, many of those he approached were ambivalent about spirituality, and were more interested in opportunities for fun, companionship, and a bit of sport. The lure of raping, pillaging, and extended nautical voyages in cramped quarters with scores of sweaty, nameless, faceless strangers proved only too enticing to their moral and sexual ambiguousness.

By 1882, Rice decided to forgo further seafaring in favour of life as a landlubber, full-time. Historical accounts disagree as to the rationale for his change of heart. Rice’s personal memoirs relate that after a time, the routine of plunder, marauding and despoilation with the same recruits became too tiring. His writings suggest that he felt that by formalizing his training program into a school, he could pass along his wealth of experience to whole new generations of future pirates. However, the personal diaries of a number of former crew indicate something more sinister was at work. Mutiny.

It appears that in the latter campaigns, increasing numbers within the ranks refused to submit to Rice’s direct orders. While the reasons are not spelled out, the subtext strongly hints that Rice’s motivations in starting a school had less to do with sharing his experiences, than it did with sharing his personal collection of many varied social diseases with a new and unsuspecting population.

Pirate University is proud to carry on the spirit and traditions of Mr. Rice, and it is in his memory that the sacred initiation ceremony—The Jolly Roger—is carried on.

Admission and Program Requirements

The Pirate University main campus in Pittsburgh, PA. Critics once noted that its extreme distance from the Atlantic Ocean made it a poor location choice. University officials dismissed them as "...limp wristed pansies, too weak to portage an inflatable dingy." before dispatching a group of second-year students to hunt them down, one at a time, as part of a class project. Subsequent media coverage of the school has been unanimously favourable.

Interested candidates are required to have a casual attitude about the value of human life, and other widely embraced social norms such as the importance of honesty, hard work, compassion, forgiveness, and sympathy. Previous experience in wanton acts of cruelty is highly desirable, though applicants with an academic understanding of seminal works of philosophy, such as Niccolò Machiavelli’s The Prince will also be considered.

Candidates are assumed to possess (or agree to obtain prior to orientation) relevant tools of the trade, including but not limited to: a parrot (mandatory), a hook (preferably only on one hand), an eyepatch (preferably only on one eye), a stump leg (optional), a peg leg (on the aforementioned stump(s)), bandanas (optional), pistols (recommended), a cutlass (recommended), menacing facial scars (almost certain to be received, if not already possessed), a curly moustache, and a pirate hat (required, and available for purchase at our “Pirates Of The Caribbean Bookstore and Gift Shoppe”).

Coursework

Academic Standards

Students seeking the Bachelor of Piracy degree need to pass each of the following courses with no less than a grade of P, and maintain an R average overall. Those who fail to meet academic requirements are thereafter ineligible for the Bachelor degree, but may elect to transfer accumulated credits toward a Diploma in Banditry (1 year) or a Certificate in Pillaging (6 months).

Core Competencies

YEAR ONE

• PRT 1003: Curly Moustache Growing — Students will demonstrate a basic proficiency in the care and cultivation of upper lip hair. Three month evaluation period. Five months for lady pirates.
• PRT 1004: Introduction to Head Wear — Basics covered include earring selection and a discussion of scarves versus large raffish hats.
• PRT 1107: Parrot Care & Feeding — Students will obtain understanding and utilization of the theory and technique of avian care, including minor veterinary medicine. Final exam consists of student’s bird being clubbed. Pass/fail course.
• PRT 1209: Approved Sea Shanties — Actual singing talent not required. Students are graded on overall presentation including lyric memory, fear-inducement, and improvisation while drunk.
• PRT 1305: Language Arts — Choose from Arrr, Arrrrrr or Arrrrrrrrr. Final exam is by way of individual student presentations of original monologues that utilize classic pirate phrases and those of the student’s own invention.

YEAR TWO

• PRT 2101: Booty Pilfering — Students will develop skills in treasure location, campaign planning, and actual larcency. Final exam is conducted live in the field. Pass/fail.
• PRT 2203: Timber Shivering — Students will develop advanced proficiency in sailing, mast and sail repair, crows nest use, and spyglass surveillance. Prerequisite course for Ship Scuttling.
• PRT 2204: Ship Scuttling — Advanced skills in attacking and other vessels are the objective of this course, including: cannon firing, rope swinging, sail cutting, sword fighting and plank walking.
• PRT 2308: Accounting — Basic and intermediate swag management are covered in detail including the unfair disbursement of Pieces of Eight, Dubloons, jewelry, and other varieties of booty.
• PRT 2401: Visual Acuity Training — This course instructs the student in the proper use of eyewear, ie; eyepatch. Students will learn how to locate other vessels on the horizon as this correlates directly to the health/wealth of the pirate-to-be. NOTE: An advanced course is being considered, Pirate Psychic Ability , this will apply to students who have mastered the art of wearing two eyepatches.

Honours Program

Students with an ARRRRRRR! average have the option (in their second year) of pursuing an undergraduate level thesis with the assistance of a senior faculty advisor. Some topics in recent years have included:

Bob, B. B. (2001). New psychotherapeutic interventions in coping with quadruple amputation phantom limb pain. Unpublished undergraduate thesis, Pirate University, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA.

Kahplah, K. W. (2002). Best served cold?: An analysis of the validity of traditional assumptions about revenge satisfaction. Unpublished undergraduate thesis, Pirate University, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA.

Mhaille, C. (2004). Tensile strength and flexibility considerations in plank material selection and manufacturing. Unpublished undergraduate thesis, Pirate University, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA.

Art credits: Mahroww, Winckle

Pseudonyms

In addition to writing books under a number of different names, King also had a recurring role on Star Trek: The Next Generation for many years.

Considered by many as an adequate peddler of pedestrian prose, King’s main criticism by readers and publishers alike has not been his writing (though that does warrant strong objection), but his woefully slow novel output.

In fact, King has published less than 70 books under his own name since since Carrie hit the shelves in 1974. While an average of two books a year might seem reasonable, it falls far short of other contemporary peers like Mary Faulkner (904 books in 70 years, or 12.9 books per year) and Dean R. Koontz (who averages one book per 83.7 minutes, and at any moment has at least one book on the shelves of any store, anywhere on earth.)

King’s publishers created the pen name Richard Bachman as a means of releasing King’s short stories and other minor and sub sub-par works worthy of Hollywood screenplays. The resulting success prompted the creation of a second pseudonym, this time to cash in on King’s middle school and high school creative writing projects. King delivered his collection of juvenile short stories from out of his attic storage for immediate publication, took a year off, and started a rock band.

Style

Richard Bachman takin' care of business on stage with his band Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

King’s characteristic formula of involving average everyday people in extraordinary situations (often based on his own experiences) was born out of his own childhood misadventures. Many of his stories offer the same plot and/or characters with only the difference being the transitive verbs. King’s various phobia’s were tediously cataloged in Forgotten at Day Care, The Talking Puppet series, and The Green Slime series, the longest running series of books in human history. His predilection for voyeurism was played out in tales like Phantom of the Changeroom, The Thing in the Showers, The Monster of Make-Out Creek and Night of the Living Dork. His fascination with arson was related almost verbatim through large sections of the Firestarter Trilogy, culminating with Firestarter 3: Probation. Additionally, his rejection and troubled relations with the fairer sex were described in Secret Admirer, The Dead Girlfriend, It Came Under the Skirt, Let’s All Kill Jennifer, Who Killed the Homecoming Queen?, The Emasculate Conception, and Pay Child Support Already!

Legal Entanglements

After reaching a plea agreement with prosecutors over charges that he torched a Piggly Wiggly grocery store in 1961, King was given 5 years probation. Later, 611 restraining orders were granted in connection with his various misdeeds. A stern lecture from the judge and a subsequent tour of Rumpshag Prison finally convinced King of the dangers of a criminal life, which he later developed into an uncharacteristically good short story. He continued to pour his past experiences into the creation of great heaps of pulp fiction, carefully stored in an old trunk, and forgotten.

Once released, they transformed into mountains of cash when they were force-fed to millions of unsuspecting children through the ostensibly innocuous school book order program—later revealed as the publishers equivalent of the cheap taste program pioneered by the street pharmaceutical sales industry.

Partial Bibliography

• The Green Slime
• It Came From Your Mom’s Room
• Children of the Corn VII: Hot Popped Horror
• Leave Your Mom Alone When She’s Sleeping On The Couch
• The Boyfriend
• The Girlfriend
• The Ghoulfriend
• The Green Slime II
• Revenge of the Sun: 6000 Degrees of Terror
• The Sentient, Giant, Carniverous Mushroom from Heck: He’s a fun guy.
• How Hitler Stole Hanukkah
• The Talking Puppet
• Spooky Haunted House Mansion
• Hootie and the Blowfish go on tour with The Green Slime
• Ghouls and Goblins vs. Vampires and Werewolves vs. Three 12 yr. olds PT. II
• Return of the Living Catholic Priest
• Attack of the Killer Pimple! You Can’t Pop Terror!
• Return of The Green Slime
• The Haunted Hookah
• The Dead Girlfriend
• The Dead Boyfriend
• Revenge of The Green Slime
• Return of the Talking Puppet
• Unpaid Overtime
• Unpaid Overtime II: The Reckoning
• I was a Teenage Green Slime
• I was a Teenage, Sentient, Giant, Carnivorous Mushroom from Heck
• I Was a Teenage Talking Puppet
• The Abominable Snowman: He’s an ‘Ice’ Guy
• The Dead Lawnmower Repairman
• The Dead Lawnmower Repairman meets The Green Slime
• The Green Slime MMVI
• The Dead Girlfriend and The Dead Boyfriend: Love at First Fright
• Goosebumps: Volume I to Choose Your Own Adventure Schtick
• Revenge of the Talking Puppet: No Strings Attached
• The Demon Dog
• The Creepy Cat
• The Monstrous Mouse
• Dogosaurus Rex
• Night Of The Living Dooky
• Streets of Panic Bark
• The Talking Puppet vs. Green Slime
• Revenge of the Living Dooky
• The Forks from Heck: Fork You!
• Green Slime and Talking Puppet vs. Abominable Snowman and Giant Mushroom vs. Three 12 year olds
• The Green Slime in Tokyo II: I Think I’m Turning Japanese
• The Forks from Heck II: Totally Forked
• Stay Away from the Green Slime’s Sleepover!
• The Green Slime for Breakfast!
• The Scream of the Haunted Hookah
• Dr. Maniac vs. Bobby Schwartz
• The Sentient, Giant, Carnivorous Mushroom from Heck in Space
• Who’s Your Bunny?
• Who’s Your Mommy?
• Bride of the Talking Puppet