Constance Bay, it turns out, has not designated its downtown a red-light district, despite what its signs may have indicated.

The City of Ottawa sign, which was erected about a month ago, directed travellers to Constance Bay’s “business district” with symbols indicating various amenities.

One square was left blank. Bad move.

Sometime last weekend, a vandal filled the blank spot in with a pair of stick figures who appear to be particularly engaged.

“Don’t let the saucy pair fool you, though,” West-Carleton March Councillor Eli El-Chantiry said. “It’s business as usual in Constance Bay.”

From chuckling photographers snapping pictures to e-mails inquiring about Constance Bay’s new swingers’ club, El-Chantiry seemed on Thursday to be tiring of all the attention the sign was getting.

“There was one spot missing; it was perfect,” said Ian Glen, president of the Constance and Buckham’s Bay Community Association, adding he may consider a picture of the sign for the 2010 Best of the Bays calendar.

“Everybody just thinks it’s pretty funny. I don’t think anybody’s going to take terrible offence to it.”

No, it’s not Brian Molko, even if that’s who appears in the video.

It’s Dave Foley, from The Kids in The Hall and NewsRadio.  Now don’t brush me off so easily.  Imagine Dave’s voice, then watch this video:

I’m right, aren’t I?  Manservant Hecubus is moonlighting as a lead vocalist!  Relax Brian, I ain’t gonna go to the newspapers or launch an ‘emotional distress’ lawsuit against you.  I think we’ve all learned something from Milli Vanilli.

22.86 Centimetre Nails

They once almost nearly sold one album in the United States, when a distracted customer purchased one at a home improvement store, thinking it was a box of gutter nails. Home Depot, who’d been similarly fooled, quit distributing 22.86 Centimetre Nails products soon afterward, thus losing the band their only major US distributor.

Formation

2286CMN's Brent Razor: Brooding, intoxicated, falling out of shot. The alternative rock universe's everyman.

2286CMN is the product of one man, Brent Belzer, after he received notification from the Government of Canada that his federal Employment Insurance benefits were about to run out. At this point Brent, decided that real and decisive action was called for. So, he applied for welfare down at City Hall, while simultaneously trying to establish eligibility for permanent disability benefits through the provincial government.

It was during this period, in lucid moments between cases of beer and Coronation Street re-runs on CBC, that he gave serious thought to starting up a band. Not one to rush into anything too hastily, Brent considered his options for an additional 11 months until his municipal welfare cheques were about to be suspended. Then, after an all-night brainstorming session about his band — including a name, some song titles, potential album themes, logo ideas, and a new stage personae — Brent elected to redouble his efforts to obtain permanent disability status, and began writing a letter to the Premier of Manitoba every other day.

When this ultimately proved unsuccessful, Brent compiled all of his government correspondence, fortified and distilled them with all the rage and hate he could muster, and penned the lyrics to an entire album’s worth of material. However, being Canadian, the mood and edginess of the material was somewhat lacking with the tone varying somewhere between mild annoyance and genuine bewilderedness. However, with the invaluable assistance of fellow Canadian and producer Bob Rock, “Frickin’ Government Pinheads” was released to mild critical acclaim.

Sound

Music journalists have pissed away entire forests worth of pages, debating the influences that comprise the 2286CMN sound. Amongst the most widely published:

"Imagine Gordon Lightfoot strolling through a majestic field of wheat while singing about trains, then violently chewed to pieces by a John Deere combine, and you have some idea of the 2286CMN signature sound..."

~ Shanda Lear, Moosejaw Daily Droppings

"Brent Razor [real name: Brent Belzer] is a new twist on old-school. If Ann Murray dropped barbiturates, then started plucking her snowbird's feathers out one at a time, on some urban thoroughfare undergoing major construction with loaders, Bobcats, jackhammers and concrete saws -- we'd have something akin to what 2286CMN produces on this new album."

~ Dick Hertz, Saskatoon News & Views

"Now seriously, is this really industrial music, or just some lazy-assed bum bemoaning the non-fruits of his non-labours while his employed buddies renovate his basement den into a bar, lounge and home theatre, with an assortment of noisy power tools? No, really. Tell me, because I don't know."

~ Eve Hill, Winnipeg Wiccan Weekly

Themes

Most, if not all of 22.86 Centimetre Nails are protest songs, decrying social injustices — perceived or actual. Amongst the recurring tirades:

• Rising food prices
• Laws prohibiting the sale of alcohol on Sundays
• Too many weeks of full time employment required to be eligible for Employment Insurance
• Decreases in the wild Ptarmigan population / expensive hunting licenses
• Long lineups at the free clinic

However, some of the more recent albums contain hints of real joy, albeit alcohol induced.

Future

Brent Razor is reportedly hard at work on the next studio album, tentatively called “More Songs About Beer And Snowmobiling”. For the first time in group history, it will contain substantial contributions and brief cameos by other artists, all claiming to be 2286CMN fans.

The first confirmed collaborator will be Amy Winehouse, though recent sightings of John Frusciante around the studio is fueling speculation that he’s fallen off the wagon again.

Phil Spector was slated to guest produce, but his availability has since changed, making this likely yet another self-produced Razor outing.

History

We’ve got a great history here in Canada, eh. Like, once upon a time, a long time ago, some people from France came over here in search of, like, gold or something. And instead they just find these moose and people in deerskin kilts, eh? So they were like, “This like, le blows, eh? Let’s like, take off and eat some of these local native delicacies, like frog legs and runny cheese.” And they musta like really liked the food, eh, cuz they sent it back home, along with some snails and stuff, and it became like a national food that France people actually ate. Beauty.

So, next up, there were these Brit guys that, like, came over too. And they didn’t like the Kermit burgers and Camembare, because they were more into boiled meat and warm beer. So they like, uhm, forced the France people into this place we now call Quebec. And the France guys were pretty hosed off by the whole thing and there was some talk about it that went something like this:

FRANCE GUYS: “Hey, le hosers! Like, uh, we want like our independence, eh?”

BRIT GUYS: “Like, hey yourself hoseheads! Uh, why do you think we put you there on your own piece of land. Now, take off!”

Meanwhile, the kilted warriors took all the money they made from exports to France, and used it to build casinos on the land that everyone else thought was useless. They didn’t make much at first, eh, but eventually they completely hosed the palefaces.

And there probably some other important details that happened in there too, eh? But no one bothered to write it down, so that’s about all we can say about it.

Economy

Canadia uses money called the dollar. It’s kinda like American money except it’s a lot prettier, but worth less. And it’s colour-coded so you don’t, like, accidentally pay $50 for a pack of smokes.

And speaking of smokes, in like 1987 the Canadian Mint decided to quit printing dollar bills on paper. Cuz like apparently there were these guys who were, like, using them to roll their smokes with. I think they were originally, like, Italian-Canadians eh, cuz everyone I knew called them roll-your-ownies. So anyway, they started printing dollars on these gold-coloured, bronze-plated, coins with a picture of a loon on ‘em. And so people started calling them loonies, eh? Not sure why.

So, it kinda worked, but not really. Cuz then people started making roll-your-ownies with two dollar bills. Yeah, it was kinda more expensive eh, but we didn’t mind cuz it was like, inflation eh? Plus, it was still cheaper than actually buying real smokes.

So anyway, the Mint got their hoses in a tangle about the whole thing, and stopped printing the two on paper. Instead, they gave us this silver and gold coin with a polar bear on it, so naturally we decided to call it the twonie. Some people wanted to like, call it the “bearie”, but that would’ve been like, stupid, eh? The Spaniards had already claimed doubloon for their currency. And now we just call it the toonie, because we have kind of a cultural superstition about the use of the letter W. I think that happened like, after the US election in 2000. Go figure, eh.

Anyways, we’re like the world leader in the export of snow, beer, tire chains, mountie costumes, bacon, toques, prescription drugs, and medical marijuana.

Culture

All Canuckleheads like snow, maple syrup and hockey. A Canadian who doesn’t play hockey is like an American who doesn’t stereotype people from other countries. Still, hockey is kind of a brutal game for the elderly and the disabled to be playing, eh? So, under a constitutional amendment, they’re allowed to retain their citizenship so long as they curl. Curling is kinda like hockey, eh, except you use a broom instead of a stick, and a rock instead of a puck. Oh, and instead of a goal you aim for this big bullseye called a house. Curling rocks are pretty big too eh, but they have to be so you can still see ‘em after downing a case of beer. Speaking of which eh, in much the same way that American beer is a watered-down version of Canadian beer, American seniors play a watered-down version of curling. The rocks are smaller, the house is smaller, the rink is smaller, and they call it shuffleboard.

We also like drinking, snowmobiling, camping, and going down to the track to bet on the dog sleds. We’re not much into art, but we do like writing our names by peeing in the snow. Oh hey! Nice one, eh? Like, how many beers did you down to write all those letters? Ooops. Sorry eh. Back to the topic… The real amazing thing is that somehow our women still have more legible signatures. I guess it’s just like they say, guys have a real problem keeping their little hosehead under control.

Government

Bunch of lunatics, eh. Look at ‘em, finger pointing and shouting when Parliament is in session. They should like, maybe fry up some back bacon, then have a beer and talk. There’s like no problem eh, that a few dozen lager and a bear hug can’t solve. Beauty.

Geography

Maple syrup

Maple syrup is like, this stuff that runs down the side of trees. I guess there was this one time where this guy had got lost out in the snow, and he’d like lost the keys to his horse, and the A&W was closed. So he licked this stuff that was running down the side of a tree and he said, “Beauty, eh? I bet this would taste good on pancakes.” And so history was made. Or it would’ve been, but we got drunk and forgot to write it down. So the official record is that syrup was invented by Aunt Jemima in 1893. Brutal.

Prehistory

The Canadian Government reportedly paid design firm Leet & Howe $1.2M CDN for this turd of a logo.

In the beginning (well… before now), there was Paul Anka. And it was good.

Canadians sang along in blessed harmony and partook joyfully of the fruit of their nation, neither needing, nor knowing, nor needing to know that anything else existed.

Then, a dark shadow fell over the land. The music of the Beast was unlike that ever heard before, and the flock succumbed to temptation. An orgy of excess swept the nation like a plague, and the flock cavorted and shook their booty, and engaged in other unspeakable acts the likes of which the CRTC forbids the graphic description of.

And the Beast was known as KC & The Sunshine Band.

1970′s

Nah. We made that up. But it sounded good, didn’t it? Give that publicist a bonus.

Actually, good and evil were pretty inconsequential in the whole matter. The fact is that the Beast had hurt the government where it hurt the most—in the pocketbook. Demands to social assistance programs reached unprecedented levels, draining many hundreds from the thousands that had previous stuffed the government coffers. And why? Because several of dozens of sadly inferior Canadian singers, songwriters and bands were being drummed out of business by the infinitely funkier sounds now emanating from all corners of the Earth. And the Canadian Government struck back with the mightiest weapon it possessed. Policy.

Canadian Content

And so it was done that the Almighty Government decreed that the percentage of Canadian Content broadcast in the nation be 35%, and that the definition of Canadian Content be that two of the following four criteria be met:

     M (music) -- the music is composed entirely by a Canadian.
     A (artist) -- the music is, or the lyrics are, performed principally by a Canadian.
     P (production) -- the musical selection consists of a live performance that is
          (i) recorded wholly in Canada, or
          (ii) performed wholly in Canada and broadcast live in Canada.
     L (lyrics) -- the lyrics are written entirely by a Canadian.

Evil Vanquished

And it came to pass that the Beast was cast out of the Nation of the Chosen, and many scores of no-talented hacks were released from the dole and found work, but only Celine Dion and Bryan Adams actually sold anything south of the 49th parallel.

Amen.

History

The City of Flin Flon was founded in 2002 when the Government of Canada awarded a four-year contract to a Midland, Texas based company for the production of medicinal marijuana.

Graham Greene: Greatest genuine ganja growing god going.

The site of the town was originally the private reserve of actor and doobie enthusiast Graham Greene, who conquered the land from white settlers for use as his personal growing space. While marijuana production and use by ordinary citizens is not strictly legal, Greene was able to skirt legal entanglements by describing his crop as sweetgrass, knowing full well that no white man has the faintest idea what that is. Though working alone, it is said that he was able produce approximately 400 kilograms of Sweet Mary Jane annually.

Later, as illegal search and seizure fortuitous circumstances led to a sample of the crop falling into the hands of government authorities, Greene was able to get a doctor’s prescription stating that the marijuana crops, which spanned dozens of square kilometres, were in fact for his own personal use. His physician reported that the marijuana was to alleviate symptoms of depression, gout, and jock itch brought on by terminal career failure, after the once rising star of Dances With Wolves had been reduced to doing late night, low budget forensic investigation TV show knock-offs.

The Battle of Bud-Light

In the grand tradition of white makes right, capitalists pleaded with the Canadian Minister of Indian Affairs to find another loophole in the Indian Act that would force Greene to surrender his land to the Crown. And it so happened that legal experts on behalf of the Canadian Government were able to establish that the transfer of the land to Greene was null and void, by virtue of a specific exclusion clause stating that “no land that has been deemed to have natural resources, strategic location, or other military or economically exploitable value may be set apart by Her Majesty for the use and benefit of persons of indigenous descent.”

The city built on pot: Note the "hazy" skyline of this unretouched photo.

Drunk with power after yet another decisive and historic victory over aboriginal peoples, the unnamed corporation lobbied for a government grant to cover startup costs. The Government, with its meagre coffers, balked initially but were then bullied into compliance when the deal threatened to collapse. As a compromise, the original stock of marijuana seeds were provided courtesy of Royal Canadian Mounted Police drug raids. There was some lack of consistency in the early crops, but after careful analysis from experts in the field and selective elimination, subsequent generations of bud have demonstrated truly absofucklinglutely great smokeability, man.

Tourism

As the actual growing and processing operation consumes only a limited portion of the total community, large areas not currently in commercial use have been designated by the Canadian Government for public recreation. With scenic splendour and many nearby lakes teeming with fish and fowl, as well as moose ripe for the killing, Flin Flon has subsequently become a moderately popular tourist destination. However, the tourist trade is also popular to non-sporting types. Each year, thousands of health-conscious individuals from all walks of life arrive simply to breathe the air. No-one’s sure why, though there is some speculation that the corporate policy of incinerating any weed that fails quality control standards may have some influence.

Mascot

Josiah Flintabbatey Flonatin: With backpack, flint, and rolling papers in hand, in search of leafy green pastures.

To stave off criticism that the government had added illicit drug selling to its already long list of previously illegal but now Crown-controlled activities, the Ministry of Illicit Affairs recently sponsored a city-wide Create-A-Mascot contest in area schools. Nearly 47797 entries were received. Curious, were it not for the fact that drawings were also accepted from the growing operation’s employees (and their families), Canadian government officials (and their families), the distributing pharmaceutical company (you get the idea), its marketing division, physicians and nurse practitioners across the country, and card carrying members of NORML.

The winner was 10 year old Brian Baloney, who through an odd scheduling conflict was detained in Zimbabwe and was unable to return for the awards ceremony. Or for the following school year. No one seems to remember Byron either, and his grades, photographs, birth certificate, and medical records were mysteriously lost in a fire, or possibly a flood (maybe both), that struck all the local schools and the government records building. But what a great entry nonetheless.

In any case, Bryce created Josiah Flintabbatey Flonatin by combining the city’s name with some cute and memorable nicknames: Jay (which is just happy and mellow sounding) and Flinty (which sounds like Flin, but also refers to the character’s trusty lighting flint which he is never without). So remember, there’s more than just flyfishing, moose hunting, and sweet, fragrant air in good old Flin Flon. There’s T-shirts, from just $7.98 (small) to $14.98 (XXXL). Choose “I like Jay” or “Smoke with Flinty”. Buy in person, or call 1-800-BUD-STUF. Also available at Phish reunion concerts.

It’s not a just a slogan to sell beer. It’s a rallying cry.

I love my country, and I’m proud to be Canadian. When the United Nations reports that Canada is the best country in the world to live in, I just smile quietly to myself, because it’s something that I’ve always understood at an intrinsic level. This is God’s country… lots of land, clean water, wildlife, natural resources in abundance, low crime, and people of all races and religions living together. What’s not to love?

Well, for a start, here’s a short list:

• Toronto.
• Our currency has more aesthetic than monetary value.
• Certain funny people down south are still under the impression that we live in igloos and eat pemmican.
• Sometimes the only way we can get famous is to pretend we’re from somewhere else.

Sure, we have our problems. But we can work it out.

Canadians have actually made a huge impact on American culture, and for that matter, we’ve shaped the world in which we live. Don’t believe it? Take this simple quiz:

Which of the following was invented by a Canadian:

1. The telephone
2. Basketball
3. Superman

The telephone is arguably the single most important invention in history. Can you imagine life without it? If you’re using a modem to read this page, or for that matter have family that lives more than a block away — there’s your proof.

Superman and Basketball are two of the most salient cultural institutions in American life. Basketball players are more respected and better paid, but that’s not the point.

Well, they were all created by Canadians. There’s only one group that knows less about Canadians than Canadians do, and that’s… well, just about everybody. But mostly, it’s Americans. They know a little about us.. But what they DO know isn’t nearly as dangerous as what they THINK they know.

For you non-Canadians, below is a list of lies you mother told you about us. Or perhaps it was the media. In any case – erase these myths:

1. MYTH: Most Canadians look and act like Bob and Doug McKenzie (from SCTV and the movie “Strange Brew”). This resemblence includes, but is not necessarily limited to:
   • A tendency to end almost all sentences with “eh.”
   • Having a wardrobe consisting exclusively of bush jackets and toques.
   • Eating 3 or 4 square meals a day of back bacon and beer (well, this might be true, but only in the case of university students and people on camping trips).
2. MYTH: Most Canadians are Eskimos (who actually prefer to be called Inuit [“the people”, as opposed to Eskimo which means “flesh eater” or something). And…
   • Live in igloos.
   • Eat pemmican. (Animal blubber with berries pounded into it… Mmmmmmm. Nummy goodness!)
   • Rely on sled dogs for transportation. Actually, we’ve been using snowmobiles for some time now. So there!

   NOTE: I'll never forget the time I went to the International Peace Garden in North Dakota and was asked by some locals if I owned a dog sled. I convinced them that I'd floated down on an iceberg.

3. MYTH: Canada Dry ginger-ale is Canada’s most popular beverage.
   • It might have been at some point, until people realized it tastes nothing like ale. There were similar disappoints about root beer.
4. MYTH: People from Toronto think the world revolves around them, and their city.
   • Oooops! Sorry, that one is true. How embarrassing…

Anyway, I hope that clears a few things up.