Until recently, I though that fruitflies were mythical creatures of legend like dragons or unicorns. I’d heard people talk about them, but I hadn’t really seen any.  This might have had something to do with my old, largely fruit-free diet and my limit grasp of entomology…  To my knowledge, there are no sausageflies or chipflies, and definitely no cookieflies or Cokeflies.  Apparently there are popflies, but only in baseball.

But fruitflies do exist! And they love my office.

One day, there I was, eating some fruit, and one started buzzing around my head. Several more were zipping in and out of my trash bin.  I dumped it immediately into the main waste collection for the office, and then got a good workout hopping and clapping to exterminate the little beasts.

Then all was well, and I endeavoured to empty my waste bin more often after that.

The next day I peeled an apple and was just settling back to enjoy it when–you guessed it–more fruitflies buzzing around my skull.  Wastebasket in hand, I fled to the big bin, then returned to unleash my vengeance on the winged attackers.

Surely I’ve exterminated a small colony’s worth by now, I thought. I ate my afternoon orange in peace, and made sure to dump out my bin before leaving for the day.

The next day all was silent, until I started carving up an apple. Then, another sortie of attackers. I felt like King Kong. The apple was my object of desire, clutched carefully in my fingers, while my other hand waved menacingly at the circling aircraft.

It made me think: why fruit?  Why is nature punishing me for good eating habits?  Why not  sausageflies, chipflies, and cookieflies?

I’m not making excuses, nor am I giving up. When my King Kong routine gets old, I’ll just switch to “When You’re Happy and You Know It”, content in the knowledge that I’m eating well and getting exercise while I do it.

It’s five weeks since I started my diet and exercise regimen… now with assistance from green tea in lieu of my preferred beverages: coffee and diet soda.

I used to hate green tea. Hate it.

H-A-T-E

This is one of the reasons I suspected it was probably very good for me. I tend to dislike healthy things. Not on principle, but by design.

There’s this odd inverse relationship between my dislike of certain foods and their health benefits. The more I like them, the worse they are for me. The more I loathe them… What? You’ve heard of this?

I was disappointed, but not surprised to learn that green tea can benefit weight loss. So, I forced myself to start drinking a couple of tumblerfuls per day. Without sugar. So long as I was going to suffer I figured I might as well go all out.

After a few weeks I’m pleased to report that I’m still alive and doing rather well. Also: I might have been overly harsh about green tea. In fact, it’s not nearly as vile as other things I’ve drank in my life, such as:

• Gin
• Kaopectate (bismuth subsalicylate)
• Motor oil

No, I’m not being facetious. I did accidentally drink motor oil once. Just that one time.

It would be premature (and anecdotal) to say that green tea has been burning the pounds off me, but it doesn’t seem to hurt, and it’s forcing me to drink at least 4-6 cups of water a day (in lieu of coffee). Just the idea that it’s widely regard to help, and that I’m seeing (possibly unrelated) improvement is enough to keep me on it.

And I’m developing a tolerance for it. I’ve even got a favourite store brand (TAZO) though I’m also on Kirkland and Bigelow just to spread the misery around a little.  And I’m now exploring loose leaf teas, too (Argo, Teaopia).

Truth be told, I’m hating it much less and I’m getting quite good at making sure I’m getting enough GT every day. I keep it stashed around my home, my workplace and my person the way that criminals keep guns and money handy.

If you see me anywhere, come talk to me.  I’ll hook you up.

Plan:

• Lose 72 pounds in the next 6 months

Steps:

• Engage in ritual semi-starvation until even the brown fat perishes in my metabolic flames
• Embarrass myself daily by posting highly personal details about my aging body  to the Internet, in glistening, throbbing detail
• Record the reactions of my public transit seat partners, as they find less and less of my butt cheeks infringing on their personal space bubble
• Make recordings of interesting stomach growls and sell to LucasFilm as monster sound effects

Desired Outcome:

• Impress the wife with new and improved sexiness
• Express hidden self-masochistic tendencies I’ve long harboured
• Wear those never-worn clothes that didn’t fit after snacking on the way home from the mall
• Leap large puddles in a single bound
• Put several potato chip manufacturers into receivership

Voat:

1 in favour; none against.

Passed 1-0.

I instantly reached down into my pocket. There was plenty of change: easily enough to buy that poor person another hour of safety.

But then I noticed it was a brand new Lexus.

“Hah!” I thought. “Yeah, right!”

I kept on walking.

The moral of the story: I sincerely like to help people. I do it every day. I’m just less inclined to help the wealthy, or the wilfully overindebted pretending to be affluent, out of a parking ticket.  That said, I’ll jump to save a stranger from being hit by a bus whether they’re wearing Reitmans or Armani.

Yeah, I’m well aware it was “just a Lexus”. If it had been a Porsche Cayenne I’d have laughed out loud on my way past.

Have a nice day.

“It is a reality of our time that the same companies promoting health care products are also largely responsible for underwriting their research.”

An excerpt from The Industry of Illness in US Health Care: Why Privatization Is Inefficient – Part 3

The following ad didn’t really fit the tone of my “scholarly” discussion quoted above, but for a short blog post, why not?
(Psssssttt!  Don’t tell anyone.  The Pharmaceutical Industry would be ruined.)

IMAG0030, originally uploaded by toddlyons.

I walk past this sign every day on the way to my office. Am I the only one that’s struck by the amusing juxtaposition of children and animals?

Thankfully, my kids are allergy-free, but just the same I’d prefer if they weren’t fed by passing strangers.