Runco foetidus is the binomial name of a common variety smelly weed, so common that even scientists couldn’t be bothered to give it a better name. It is so common, it is commonly mistaken as a flower owing to it’s bland, stem-like bottom and a generic, coloury, fluffyish top. And also the fact that most [...]

(Most pictures I post are made by others: this one is a rare exception!  Done with GIMP.)

Dear Diary, Often it happens that I lie awake at night, unable to sleep, or sleeping fitfully as I ponder the ants that urinate in my driveway. It isn’t enough that they inhabit my property, feast on my fertile grasses, and write weekly letters to the editor complaining about the appalling conditions under which they [...]

Rye is a type of grain, and is a staple of the human diet. Among its less interesting uses is as a source of flour, for use in marginally beneficial products such as bread, or large and vaguely phallic paper-maché sculptures made by fine art students. It is also often used as fodder to fatten [...]

Dear Diary, I’ve heard it said by people that “there is no compulsion in religion”. What exactly does that mean? I wish someone would explain it to my family, because ever since I quit attending church regularly, they’ve been trying to compel me to return. Sure feels like compulsion to me. Of course, when I [...]

Some years ago, when I was struggling to rediscover my sense of humour, as well as re-learning to play the guitar for the 11th time, the thought occurred that it might be a good idea to write some humourous songs. Now the passing years would demonstrate this to be an error on my part, but [...]

Mystical substance, thou art revered, In the joyous crunching of my off-white teeth, To the roof of my mouth your taste is adhered, And in the glorious scrunching of my bowels beneath. My guilty pleasure, thou art concealed, Under bubbling masses of moist cheese congealed, But whilst mine attention appears rapt on the melt, It’s [...]

A Bitchy Cat A bitchy cat drugged evil flailing geckos. Honestly! It just knew little minions need opiates, particularly quirky, red, slimy Tokays. Under veiled windows, X-rated yowling zeal. Abandoned, Billy Cried Abandoned, Billy cried desperately, ever forlorn, gated hopelessly inside jail. Knowledge lost, memory not operating… Probably quaffed rancid spirits… That unbelievable vineyard, with [...]

Ethnicity is the state or quality of being non-white, or as social scientists say, Caucasianally challenged. In addition to an unnecessary abundance of pigment, individuals afflicted with ethnicity often have cultural, linguistic, religious, and behavioural aspects that differ significantly from those of regular white people. Statistically, ethnicity has been linked with an overall lower quality [...]

Dear Diary, Recently, I came to the realization that I don’t exist; I haven’t for years. And when I say years, I do in fact mean infinity, it’s just that I’m lazy, and it’s simpler to write “years” than to be bothered with typing out all those zeros. Or at least I would be lazy, [...]